(5 minute read) It has taken me many years to become aware of my own limitations. I have railed against their existence for most of my life, willing them not to be real (the railing has yet to cease). The concept of limitations actually only came on my radar as something relevant to my life fairly recently when my therapist matter-of-factly and without hesitation introduced it to me. Of course I knew of the concept but my own limitations were not considered on a regular basis (now I find the word swirling about in my head quite often).
Limitations are incredibly real but we like to act like they don’t–or shouldn’t–apply to us. If you begin to talk about your own limitations to those closest to you, you might notice some pushback. People really don’t like the word. It makes them uncomfortable. They may try to tiptoe around the concept or find more agreeable synonyms. They may prefer to highlight what you can do or all that you’ve managed to accomplish or juggle before. But
I think it is important for us to learn to use the word–regularly, unapologetically, and without shame.
Its use creates a mental and practical framework that holds space for that which we cannot do. Its use aids us in creating a life that is balanced, enjoyable, and sustainable.
In an era where it seems that possibilities are endless and options are abundant, we’re bombarded by choices, information, and stimulation at every turn. The myth of the American dream assures all of us that we can achieve vast success and prosperity (if we just work long and hard enough).
If we’re told we can do anything, it's not much of a stretch to make the leap that we can or should be doing everything.
We may be afraid of what might happen if we let things go. We may even *want* to try to “do it all” (I put want in asterisks because I don’t believe that any of us truly want to be in constant motion or feel responsible for holding the world on its axis, even if that’s the way we have been operating). We might want to be in control (or maintain the illusion of control) but we also begrudgingly acknowledge that this is how burnout sprouts and flourishes.
The antidote to burnout is acknowledging and leaning into our limitations.
If the overall concept of limitations is too broad or vague, it may be helpful to break it down into categories. Joshua Fields Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus, of The Minimalists, have listed the five main resources we access on a daily basis. They are:
Skills
Time
Energy
Attention
Money
None of us can argue that we enjoy limitless resources in every one of these categories, therefore we have limitations. Now that we’ve all acknowledged our limitations (bravo!), the next step is to reflect on our values. If you’re stumped in determining what your values are, I’m a big fan of the values card sort (see Resources below). With some thoughtful consideration we will be able to distill the driving forces of our life (or what we aspire those forces to be even if we’re still figuring out how to get there) into a list of our primary values. I like to keep my list visible so I can peek at it while I’m getting dressed or brushing my teeth. Referring back to it regularly keeps me on course in my day-to-day life–the choices I make, the interactions I have, the way I schedule my days. It makes sense to revisit your values regularly, ensuring that they still feel relevant and amending as necessary. Once we’re clear on our values, the final step is to align our priorities with our values while keeping our (limited) resources in mind. (I’ve also been curious about the idea of writing “to-don’t” lists.)
I was poking around in the beautiful, color-coded spreadsheet my sister so delightfully crafted to manage our time together (and with extended family) during my upcoming holiday visit. I spent too long trying to plan out the whole trip, descending into a spiral of overwhelm when I decided to take a moment to ponder my own priorities this holiday season. What a simple yet challenging practice to bring intention to the season.
My priorities, in no particular order (most of them apply throughout the year actually):
ease & spaciousness, plenty of “non-productive” rest time
quality time with the people I love, offering them the gifts of attention and attunement (with sad irony the word “attainment” was suggested by this website instead of “attunement,” I added the latter to the dictionary)
reasonable amount of commitments, spaced generously
practicing single-tasking
keeping the impulse towards consumerism in check
taking solo time when I need it
moving my body, maintaining my meditation practice, sleeping enough
sunshine & plenty of time outside
creative time (cooking/baking/sewing)
break from business work
So how does this all relate to caregiving?
Conscious caregiving is not possible without ongoing awareness of our own needs, preferences, and limitations.
Conscious caregiving is not possible with a hazy sense of our values and priorities.
Every decision you make with the children in your life is a reflection of your values in one way or another. Sometimes your needs will conflict with your child’s needs (or wants)--and by sometimes I mean that this will probably happen on a daily (hourly, minute-to-minute) basis. This is when you summon your mental flexibility and check in with yourself and determine whether you can flex to meet your child’s need (or want) at the moment, whether you should attend to yourself first (oxygen mask), or whether you can think up a creative solution.
A note on expectations… we all enter into the holiday season with plenty of expectations. We have expectations for how others will behave (including our children) and expectations for how experiences will unfold. We may even have expectations for how we’ll feel. These expectations grow out of our own experiences (beginning in childhood and throughout the lifespan), our resulting associations with the season, our family/friends/community, and what we consume on social media. As always, mindful awareness is the first step in managing expectations.
We notice our thoughts and the sensations in our bodies when reality replaces fantasy
We allow whatever emotions are coming up
We calm ourselves with our breath, with soothing touch or words, with mindful movement, with a cup of tea
We courageously re-engage with the situation, communicating, setting boundaries, and/or advocating for ourselves and/or our children
This season, lean into your limitations and fiercely protect your time, energy, and attention–don’t burn out before you can get to that which lights you up. Let me know how it goes!
Take good care,
Laurel
Resources
Brown, Brene - Unlocking Us podcast “Burnout and How to Complete the Stress Cycle”
with Emily Nagoski & Amelia Nagoski https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-emily-and-amelia-nagoski-on-burnout-and-how-to-complete-the-stress-cycle/
The Minimalists - Your Five Most Precious Resources https://www.theminimalists.com/steam/
Neff, Kristin - Supportive Touch https://self-compassion.org/exercise-4-supportive-touch/
Online values card sort https://sakai.ohsu.edu/access/content/group/Kathlynn_Tutorials/public/Value%20Card%20Sort%20Exercise%20-%20Storyline%20output/story_html5.html
Printable values card sort https://motivationalinterviewing.org/sites/default/files/valuescardsort_0.pdf
Teacher Tom - Teaching Values http://teachertomsblog.blogspot.com/2019/12/teaching-values.html