Play

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Don’t Just Do Something, Sit There: 7 Reasons We Make Time for Quiet Observation in Class

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“The dream of my life
Is to lie down by a slow river
And stare at the light in the trees–
To learn something by being nothing
A little while
but the rich
Lens of attention. ”
— Mary Oliver

A parent recently asked me, “Why is quiet observation a part of this class?” I’m so grateful they inquired because this is such an important part of RIE® Parent-Infant Guidance™ classes. Here are 7+ benefits that can come from carving out space for quiet observation.  

Built-In “Wants Nothing” Quality Time 

If you’re carving out regular time for “wants nothing” quality time at home throughout the week, I applaud you! I also recognize that it can feel like a big ask for overwhelmed parents tapped out from “wants something” quality time (aka caregiving), work inside and outside of the home, caring for additional children, and tending to your own needs and relationships. Creating space in class for observation automatically builds “wants nothing” quality time into your day. You don’t have to think about it or plan it, you just know there will be time set aside for this relationship-building practice. In Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect, Magda Gerber reminds us, “When we help a child to feel secure, feel appreciated, feel that ‘somebody is deeply, truly interested in me,’ by the way we just look, the way we just listen, we influence that child’s whole personality, the way that child sees life.” 

An Opportunity to Hone Your Observation Skills  

“(The children) have learned something about how to pay attention, by having attention paid to them.”
— Ruth Anne Hammond

Observation is a key tenet of Magda Gerber’s Educaring® approach. Maybe there are some folks who can easily and skillfully attend to dynamic, competing stimuli (how anyone can get meaningful work done in a noisy cafe is beyond my comprehension) but I prefer providing focused attention when I can. I know that I will miss important things in a large, bustling group–nuances of body language, bids for attention, barely perceptible interactions between children, and so on. And this doesn’t even include listening and responding to parents’ words! A period of quiet observation (in addition to smaller classes, intentionally capped at 6 families) allows all of us to more easily notice these minute details. Just as I ask parents to pause, refrain from conversation and engaging in play with their child, and observe the children in the group during quiet observation, I will occasionally tell a child who is wanting my attention during a parent’s check-in, “I’m listening to your mama right now, I’ll be with you in a minute.” Both children and parents are deserving of attentive listening.

A Chance to Practice Single-Tasking 

In her excellent book How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids, Dr. Carla Naumburg outlines a few of the ways that multitasking interferes with our ability to parent the way we want. She explains that, “(multitasking) makes us more distracted and less attentive, it increases our anxiety, it makes us more likely we’ll miss important information and cues, and it makes us less efficient.” Since multitasking is the go-to for most parents of young children, it can be difficult to “downshift” and practice slowing down and attending to one thing at a time. Quiet observation offers time for just that! Much like a meditation practice where the breath may be your “object” of attention, during quiet observation you might focus on your child (or someone else’s child) as the object of your attention. You might get lost in the thoughts running through your mind before gently bringing yourself back and refocusing on your child. 

Supporting Play, Regulation, Peer Relationships, and Focus 

Young children can become quite dysregulated when their parents are otherwise distracted (on the phone, talking to a friend, etc.) It’s not rare for the quality of children’s play to change in class when parents begin their check-ins–the children’s volume often increases, and they might begin climbing on the parent, putting their face very close to their parent’s face, or interrupting in other (totally developmentally appropriate) ways. This is not to say that parents should be expected to give their children full attention every waking moment. However, offering children a reliable time when they know they will not need to compete for your attention is an incredibly special and supportive gift. RIE® Associate Ruth Anne Hammond explains, “To the children, it is a welcome relief not to have to spend any of their attention either screening out the general noise level of a bunch of adults talking and laughing or trying to understand what is being said.” During quiet observation children are able to concentrate more deeply on their play, whether alone or with one another, nurturing their emerging capacity for focused attention and emotional intelligence. 

Access to Hive Mind Awareness 

Occasionally parents will share something they noticed during the observation that not everyone else noticed. It’s not just that the quality of your attention deepens the more you practice observation, but you’re also able to benefit from the sharp eyes and ears of the others in the class. Watching videos of infants and toddlers with students of RIE® Foundations™ or in the community college courses I teach, I’m eternally astounded by the diversity of what students notice while watching the same exact video. What we see is impacted by a multitude of factors and this is the joy of the group! Seeing everything your child can do through the eyes of another can be enlightening and inspiring.

You (Literally) Get to Sit Back While I Intervene 

RIE® Parent Infant Guidance classes are designed to primarily be demonstration classes. Throughout the class, including during quiet observation, I will model supportive interactions (as necessary) with the children. There may be a conflict between children or an exploration to determine which play objects may be thrown. A child may need spotting on the climbing triangle, or they might become frustrated with a plan they had that isn’t working out as they’d hoped (e.g. dressing a baby doll). Families are always welcome to offer support during these moments but the joy of the demonstration model is that you can trust that I will step in if you’re not sure what to do or are curious about how I would intervene.  

Introverts Unite! 

“In the midst of a hectic life, peacefully watching their own and others’ children freely and joyfully exploring, with no agenda and no responsibility to make intelligent or witty conversation, especially among competitive types, is such a relief.” -Ruth Anne Hammond 

While silence can be uncomfortable for some, it can be vastly preferable to conversation for others. Offering a period of quiet respite honors the needs of tired parents, introverts, and neurodivergent folks. 

I know that sitting quietly can feel like a lot, especially when you’re exhausted or needing to be heard. I hope that these benefits will sweeten the practice until it becomes second nature for you (it will). In the meantime, I’m here to make sure you feel safe and supported on your unique parenting journey. 

Take good care, 

Laurel 

“Once you learn how to observe, how to pay full attention, your relationship with other people, grown ups included, will also change. You give them a gift by telling them with your attentive behavior, ‘You are worth my interest and full attention.’ Every human being likes to be listened to, to get genuine attention, to feel understood, accepted, approved of and appreciated.”
— Magda Gerber

References

Gerber, M. (2003). Dear parent: Caring for infants with respect. Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE).

Hammond, R. A. (2019). Respecting babies: A guide to Educaring® for parents and professionals. Zero to three.

Naumburg, C. (2019). How to stop losing your sh*t with your kids: A practical guide to becoming a Calmer, happier parent. Workman Publishing.

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How to Spot a Young Climber

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(6 min. read) Go to any rock climbing gym and you’ll probably be required to watch a video that shows you how to “spot” a climber (usually someone who is bouldering/climbing without a rope). In order to spot someone who is climbing, you provide your undivided, laser-focused attention, stand below or near the climber with your arms raised, ready to guide them to fall in a safe way (avoiding harm to their head or spine), but not with the intention of preventing a fall, and support them with words of encouragement and the occasional technical suggestion (but only if/when the climber is asking for it).

It’s not that different for children. Of course, sometimes (if we’re able and the consequences would be high) we will catch them. But it’s not always possible or (gasp) advisable. I remember being in a toddler swim class where the instructor reminded us to allow the child to dip under water briefly if they jump in to the pool–we really want them to begin to learn about what it means to be in water and how their actions have consequences. If they magically float every time they’re in water (because we stop them from dipping under or because they wear floaties) they’re actually at much greater risk around water. The equivalent for this on land is learning how gravity works and how to fall.

“Learning to fall, getting up again, and moving on is the best preparation for life. ”
— Magda Gerber

It’s helpful to hold in mind the goals of physical activity and exploration for children: 

  • for children to learn their limits so they can keep themselves safe (because one day we won’t be around to keep them safe)  

  • for children to practice making decisions & discovering the outcomes of their actions 

  • for children to maintain the experience of movement as being joyful, self-directed, and a way to pursue mastery 

  • for children to develop confidence, strength, balance, and coordination  

In a podcast I recently listened to about safety in the (Montessori) home, parent educator and mom, Nicole Kavanaugh voiced what she knew might be a controversial opinion. She remarked,  

“I want them to bump their heads when they’re little because it’s going to teach them where… things are and where their body is in time and space because it’s a heck of a lot easier for them to learn it then than to spend a lot of time learning it when they’re older and the consequences are a lot higher.” 

Yep. 

Before we get into the how-to of spotting a climber I want to first address a few of the reasons why climbing can be so difficult to watch.

  • It can be incredibly anxiety provoking. Our minds go down the rabbit hole of fear and fortune telling (which can easily and quickly become quite grim). If we don’t have a good handle on regulating our own anxiety or challenging our own cognitive distortions and fear stories our anxiety will impact our child’s confidence and perception of what kind of a place the world is and their ability (or lack thereof) to navigate it safely. Hovering and offering unhelpful statements (BE CAREFUL!) are ineffective strategies we use to quell our anxiety that can actually interfere with our child’s ability to keep themself safe.

“Adult warnings to “be careful” are redundant at best and, at worst, become focal points for rebellion (which, in turn, can lead to truly risky behavior) or a sense that the world is full of unperceived dangers that only the all-knowing adults can see (which, in turn, can lead to the sort of unspecified anxiety we see so much of these days). Every time we say “be careful” we express, quite clearly, our lack of faith in our children’s judgment, which too often becomes the foundation of self-doubt. ”
— "Teacher Tom" Hobson

I vividly remember a story Dr. Lawrence Cohen tells in his book, The Opposite of Worry. He’s at the park with a friend and his 3-year-old daughter. She’s climbing and he’s fretting over her, reminding her to be careful, and wringing his hands with anxiety when his friend suggests, “She’ll recover better from a broken arm than from being timid and unsure of herself.” Wow. Of course, she didn’t break her arm that day but this story reminds us that taking time to notice exactly what we might be communicating when we hover or project our own fears onto our climbing child is an invaluable awareness that will serve us throughout our child’s life.   

  • We can set ourselves up for additional anxiety by helping our child into or onto places they can’t access through their own strength or ability. 

Avoiding the temptation to place your child into spots (slides, play structures, etc.) they can’t safely access on their own goes a long way towards keeping your child safe. Young children are realistically limited by height, strength, and capacity to be able to get themselves into very unsafe places (for the most part). There’s a reason the first step to a play structure is usually taller if it isn’t made for toddlers. This is not to say that they won’t ask, especially if they’ve become accustomed to you placing them in higher up spots! 

I remember when one of the children I used to care for was a young toddler she really wanted me to place her onto a spring rocker at the park but I wouldn’t because I didn’t think it was safe (and because it’s a crucial tenet of Magda Gerber’s Educaring® approach). I would validate her frustrations, “You really want me to put you up there, I hear that. I don’t put kids into spots they can’t reach on their own. You can try to figure out a way to get up there.” I would also remind her that someday she would be able to reach. It was tricky to wait but voila! Eventually the day came where she was able to reach and it was VERY exciting. Her wide smile and excitement—once she was able to climb up all on her own—was priceless.

  • We might not know the difference between risk and hazard. 

When we educate ourselves on the differences between risks and hazards (and dive into the benefits of so-called risky play, or safety play as “Teacher Tom” Hobson calls it) we can be better equipped to support our child’s exploration. 

“Play scholars and activists define a hazard as a danger in the environment that could seriously injure or endanger a child and is beyond the child’s capacity to recognize. Risk is then defined as the challenges and uncertainties within the environment that a child can recognize and learn to manage by choosing to encounter them while determining their own limits.” (“Risk, Hazard, and Play: What are Risks and Hazards?”)

“We do come near so that the infant knows we are available, which brings about a certain amount of security… We would like to convey the feeling, “I think you can handle it, but if not, I am here.””
— Magda Gerber

Ok, now that we’ve unearthed some of what can come up while observing a child climbing I want to suggest a 5 step process for selective intervention: 

  1. Observe closely from a distance. 

  2. If the consequences of falling would be severe or you feel like your child would benefit from more support (also see below for other factors), inform the child of your intention & slowly and without great concern move closer to them (“I’m going to come a little closer in case you need any help”). Sprinting over can distract them. 

  3. You may decide to bring your hands near–but not touching–your child (behind or under their back or bottom) in order to support them if they fall.

  4. If a child appears stuck, frustrated, or overwhelmed, use words to describe what you see and acknowledge emotions; offer alternatives/ideas (“Hmmm, looks like you’re wondering how to get down the Pikler triangle. Could you step one leg down here?” and point to a lower rung). 

  5. If you’ve attempted step 4 and a child still seems frozen they may need some physical support (“I can help you. I’ll lift you down.”).

And finally, acknowledge that learning to tolerate the discomfort of allowing your child to take small, developmentally appropriate risks is a journey without a destination. You may never feel completely at ease when your child is climbing, or running at top speed, or scootering lickety-split (I certainly don’t and I’ve logged many thousands of hours caring for children and being singlehandedly responsible for their safety) and that’s okay. Many folks experience complex feelings about their kiddos growing up and becoming more independent and that’s okay too. A blissed out, lying on the beach, sipping out of a coconut type calm isn’t what we’re after in these moments. However, a growing awareness of the thoughts and stories that come up in conjunction with a broader repertoire of self-soothing skills is what we can move towards. Hip, hip, hooray for climbing!

 

[Photo note: At the beginning of this post you’ll see my mom spotting my sister on a rather steep boulder. I love these photos so much because you can see trust, patience, and a calm allowing of developmentally appropriate exploration in action.]

[Note: If you find that your anxiety is interfering with your ability to tolerate your child’s developmentally appropriate exploration it might be beneficial to seek out some additional support from a qualified mental health provider.]

This Simple, Inexpensive, & Versatile Kit Will Support Resilience & Healing Through Play

I started writing this post in April 2020 and titled it “The One Toy Every Child Could Use Right Now.” I was considering how children were certainly needing to utilize play to gain some understanding of the new COVID-19 virus and the significant changes it was (and is still) making to all of our lives. I knew having a play medical kit around would be essential for children to be able to play through their uncertainties and anxieties about the global health crisis. Unfortunately I never finished the post but I’ve circled back to it because despite the fact that COVID is here to stay and we’ve had almost three years to become familiar with it–that doesn’t mean that our fears (both ours and our children’s) about it are completely gone. COVID aside, children can and will always benefit from having a simple medical kit in their arsenal. 

A child gives a pretend immunization to an adult who is sitting on a couch grimacing.

Photo by Kamaji Ogino via Pexels

Ranging from a simple and affordable (<$13) to a more comprehensive, realistic, and play-inspiring (though not necessarily expensive) DIY version, a children’s medical kit (also called a doctor’s kit or doctor’s play set) for pretend play is something I highly recommend for every child’s toy collection. I tend to prefer tools for children that are as close to the real thing as possible (like this stethoscope or real nitrile gloves–depending on their age, of course). Children aren’t easily fooled and I think you’ll notice a different quality and depth to their play with a more realistic kit than something that’s cutesy or more closely resembles a toy.

David Elkind, Ph.D. explains in his book The Power of Play,

“When we think of play therapy, we often associate its use in the clinic with troubled children. But all children use play therapeutically as a way of dealing with stress.” 

Most children experience some level of stress around even the most routine medical/dental visits, procedures, and immunizations. Most children will know an adult (maybe even a parent) who becomes ill or injured, or needs a surgery or other significant medical procedure. Having an easily accessible medical kit will support your child in exploring and bringing to light themes that can be difficult to put words to. 

A child sits on a bed next to a play medical kit. The child uses a stethoscope on a baby doll's stomach.

Photo by Polesie Toys via Pexels

In Child Development: A Practitioner's Guide, Douglas Davies, MSW, Ph.D. reminds us,   

“Even though the preschooler changes his identity in play, the play almost always reflects psychological themes and issues that are salient for the preschool child: the imitation of adult behavior; caretaking; practicing of parental, gender, and occupational roles; concerns about body damage and physical vulnerability; and mastery of danger.”  

Themes of illness, injury, death, and the fragility of the human body concern most of us to some degree throughout our lives and children are no different. Their strategies for coping with and examining these themes, however, are usually less verbal than ours and often centered around play.  

In his excellent book Playful Parenting, Dr. Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D. discusses how, after receiving an immunization, a child may be interested in coming home and playing a game where they are the one giving the shot. He explains, 

“The play shot might be pretend, but the need for emotional recovery is real. The child chooses this fantasy game because she wants a hand with her genuine feelings about the actual shot. This isn’t just play for fun (though the child may have lots of fun with it); it is play with a purpose. The purpose is to go through the incident again, but this time letting the scary feelings out–usually through giggles. That’s why a child likes to play this kind of game over and over and over.” 

If your child seems particularly interested in the kit after it’s presented, you can support them in going deeper with their play by providing them with access to:

-baby dolls (Miniland sells diverse, anatomically correct dolls)

-books about the body (a different post entirely!)

-a doll family 

-an ambulance (I’d suggest removing the battery for your own sanity)

-child sized masks (doll sized too) –especially if your child is learning how to wear a mask (I know some preschools are still requiring them)

[Even if your kids don’t want to play with it now, let it sit on the shelf fully stocked and see if they circle back to it… you might be surprised!] 

I’m curious to hear if you’ve ever noticed your kiddos using play to work through their worries about illness or injury. Have there been any toys or other objects your child has used in their play? Anything that surprised you? Any new ideas you’re inspired to implement in supporting this type of play?

I’d love to hear from y’all!

Note: If your child has experienced trauma and/or you notice and are concerned about serious, recurring themes in your child’s play that don’t seem to be shifting, consider seeking out support from a qualified mental health professional.

The Making of a Confident Puzzler

A child with short hair wearing a blue shirt putting together a puzzle on the floor
“There is dignity in struggle. It gives the soul muscle.”
— Magda Gerber

Is your child curious about puzzles? Have they been inspired by watching older siblings working on multi-piece puzzles? Or maybe they’ve discovered them on their own? Puzzles provide an opportunity to hone an array of important skills like patience, persistence, planning, attention to detail, memory, and problem solving–in addition to fine motor skills and hand-eye coordination. They are also a wonderful (and usually quiet-ish) activity for children to enjoy independently once they gain confidence, experience, and reach a certain stage of development. It can be tricky to know how to support kiddos as they learn this new skill so I thought I would break it down into steps and provide some tips from many years of sitting alongside young children as they discover the joy (and magnificent challenge!) of a great puzzle.

Things to remember: 

  • Wait until your child is interested and motivated 

  • Acknowledge that all kiddos have different interests and while you can provide materials for children to explore, it’s not up to you to decide what they’ll be interested in or how they’ll play with it

  • Children will vary on how much direct support they need based on a host of factors including their frustration tolerance, mood, etc. (A very patient, independent puzzler)  

  • Acknowledge the challenge, “This is really tricky, huh?” 

  • Let them stop if they get frustrated or want to move onto something else (nothing feels more like work than something “fun” you’re forced to do)

  • It can be *so hard* to step back and allow the child to connect all the pieces themself (not only because it’s easy for us and/or hard to see them struggle but also because we often don’t prioritize play for ourselves and we use our child’s play as an opportunity to meet that need) BUT there is so much value in observing attentively, sportscasting, and scaffolding the skills kiddos will need to meet challenges throughout their lives 

  • If they have older siblings and are around puzzles with more pieces than you think they can handle, I like to let them try them (if they ask and if I’m feeling up for it). Yes, it will involve them dumping out 48 pieces (or more) but I prefer to let the experience inform rather than telling them “No, you’re not ready for that.” If they ask again after this I will say, “Oh it looks like this puzzle is for kids who are 5 or older, I think it may have too many pieces, remember yesterday when you dumped out that puzzle and it had too many?” 

  • Remember, if they’re used to you intervening a lot (or doing it for them) they may protest with a change of events and plead with you to do it for them. This doesn’t mean you need to, though!

Progression of puzzles: 

Child with chin length blonde hair working on a jigsaw puzzle with adults

Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

Steps: 

  • Find a plain backdrop like carpet or a plain (not patterned) sheet 

  • Help them lay out the pieces face up (if they’re very new to a puzzle with more pieces than they can handle all at once I like to separate out some pieces so it isn’t as visually overstimulating; I’ll often discreetly slide them back into the mix if I can tell a child is looking for one) 

  • Lay out the box so they can see what the puzzle will look like once completed and talk about what you notice

  • Ask them to pick an element to start (“Oh that firetruck has such a long hose, should we start there?) (Also, they may not want to do it in the order you would, e.g. border first… trust their process!)

  • Help them notice colors/patterns/shapes

  • If they’re stuck on a specific piece help them notice, “Hmm, looks like this piece will have red and yellow” or ask, “Have you tried flipping it?” 

  • A smile or “You found that piece!” is all that’s needed to let kiddos know we’re paying attention and see what they’re doing

…and finally they completed it! 

Instead of responding with a simple and not very descriptive “Good job!” (Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job" by Alfie Kohn) we can match their enthusiasm and recognize their efforts and reflect on their excitement or pride… “You did it! You put all of the pieces together! That took a long time but you really stuck with it!”  The ultimate goal is for children to feel empowered to take on challenges with confidence and acknowledge and applaud their own efforts, instead of relying on external praise.

Have you had any questions about how to support your kiddos with their puzzling efforts? If I haven’t answered them here, please post them in the comments below!

“ A puzzle challenges the player to get from a problem to a solution.”
— Ernest Adams

Links & Resources