Facing Fears: One Villain at a Time

Miss Viola Swamp, illustrated by James Marshall

When I was a nanny and the youngest kiddo–let’s call him Andy–I cared for was two, I kept a treasury of classic children’s books in my car. In it there was a story by Harry Allard called Miss Nelson is Missing. 

In the story, elementary school teacher Miss Nelson is having a hard time keeping her students on task. She’s sweet and mild mannered and her students are raucous–they’re not listening or following directions–and she gets fed up. The next day Miss Nelson doesn’t come to school. Instead, the students find themselves being presided over by Miss Viola Swamp (what a villainous name!). She’s severe, with pursed lips, a perpetual frown, and pointy witch fingers. She wears her black hair in two buns and an “ugly black dress” with yellow and green striped stockings. She doesn’t allow story time and “loads” the kids down with homework. The children begin to miss Miss Nelson and try (unsuccessfully) to find her and bring her back to school. 

When the children have all but given up hope, Miss Nelson returns. The children are delighted to have her back and now find it much easier to follow the classroom rules. At the end of the story, we see Miss Nelson chuckling to herself after she’s hung a coat in her closet next to an  “ugly black dress” a la Viola Swamp. 

Every single time he opened the book, Andy wanted me to find that same story for him–so much that we eventually dog-eared the page so he could find it himself. He was drawn to it like rubberneckers to an accident. He wanted to return, again and again, to this scary story–this mean, witchy woman who was actually Miss Nelson in disguise. 

In The Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo tells a story of when he was a child and how afraid he was of the attic in his home. He became “obsessed,” avoiding it until one day, 

...when no one was home, I felt compelled to face the unknown. I stood before the attic door for the longest time, my heart pounding. It took all my small inner boy strength to open it… I inched my way in and stood in the dark, even longer, until my breathing slowed, and to my surprise, my eyes grew accustomed to the dark (p. 14). 

The one thing that stands out to me the most from both of these stories is that both of these children were in complete control as they courageously approached their fears at their own pace. In The Emotional Life of the Toddler, Dr. Alicia Lieberman explains, 

...the child learns to manage anxiety by being exposed to just the right amounts of it, not much more and not much less. The optimal amount of anxiety varies with the child’s age and temperament. It may also vary with cultural values (p. 133). 

Just as children use play to master anxiety, Andy and Mark Nepo (as a child) were instinctively turning towards their fear. And in the case of Ms. Swamp, Andy needed to turn towards his fear repeatedly, of his own accord, over the course of many months. 

As we approach Halloween, Samhain (the Celtic pagan harvest festival which marks the end of summer and from which many of our current Halloween traditions originate), and Dia de los Muertos, there are a lot of creepy things out and about–skeletons, animatronic witches, enormous spiders in larger-than-life webs, ghosts, and even chilling haunted houses that will spook the pants off adults. Children’s ability to differentiate between fantasy and reality is still emerging in toddlerhood (and will continue to for a few more years)–no wonder it can be a time of mixed feelings. 

There are a lot of great suggestions out there for how to support young children during this spooky season, and I’ve included a list of resources below with all of my favorites. 

The one thing I’ll add is around language. Just as I prefer to use the word “tumble” to something more dramatic when a child loses balance, I usually say something along the lines of, “That was a little spooky, huh?” when a child encounters something frightening, like Halloween decorations. A dramatic shiver, wide eyes, a drawn out “spoooooooky” and a smile can add a little lightness. On a similar note, when something unexpected happens (a tumble, a barking dog, a loud siren) I might say, “That startled/surprised you, didn’t it?” (instead of “That was SO scary!” or “You’re okay, it’s just a…”). Here I’m acknowledging the child’s experience without jumping to conclusions or constructing a narrative about fear that might not be totally accurate. 

The primary benefit to using language that’s a little “ho-hum” (as Janet Lansbury would say) is not to invalidate our child’s experience, but instead to help ourselves stay calm. Children look to us to understand whether or not they should be worried, feeding directly off our emotions (whether we’re aware of them or not). Dr. Lawrence Cohen dedicates a whole chapter to this concept of responding to children’s fears with empathy, and by projecting calm and examining our own anxiety in his book The Opposite of Worry. 

The world is a big place full of uncertainties, especially when you’re a toddler. As you navigate this season with your littles, see if you can’t use trust and observation to recognize all of the courageous steps (however small!) your kiddo is taking each and every day. 

Resource Roundup:

Halloween and Dia de los Muertos and Your Very Young Child by Carol Castanon

Halloween Tips for Toddlers and Preschoolers by Lizzie Assa 

How Scary is Too Scary? by Steven Schlozman (discusses all age groups from toddler to teen)

Is Halloween Too Scary for Your Young Child - Southwest Human Development 

My Child is Afraid of Halloween! What do I do? by Katie Lear 

Soothing Your Toddler’s Fears - Zero to Three

What’s Too Scary? by Marilou Hyson - NAEYC

Don’t Just Do Something, Sit There: 7 Reasons We Make Time for Quiet Observation in Class

“The dream of my life
Is to lie down by a slow river
And stare at the light in the trees–
To learn something by being nothing
A little while
but the rich
Lens of attention. ”

— Mary Oliver

A parent recently asked me, “Why is quiet observation a part of this class?” I’m so grateful they inquired because this is such an important part of RIE® Parent-Infant Guidance™ classes. Here are 7+ benefits that can come from carving out space for quiet observation.  

Built-In “Wants Nothing” Quality Time 

If you’re carving out regular time for “wants nothing” quality time at home throughout the week, I applaud you! I also recognize that it can feel like a big ask for overwhelmed parents tapped out from “wants something” quality time (aka caregiving), work inside and outside of the home, caring for additional children, and tending to your own needs and relationships. Creating space in class for observation automatically builds “wants nothing” quality time into your day. You don’t have to think about it or plan it, you just know there will be time set aside for this relationship-building practice. In Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect, Magda Gerber reminds us, “When we help a child to feel secure, feel appreciated, feel that ‘somebody is deeply, truly interested in me,’ by the way we just look, the way we just listen, we influence that child’s whole personality, the way that child sees life.” 

An Opportunity to Hone Your Observation Skills  

“(The children) have learned something about how to pay attention, by having attention paid to them.”

— Ruth Anne Hammond

Observation is a key tenet of Magda Gerber’s Educaring® approach. Maybe there are some folks who can easily and skillfully attend to dynamic, competing stimuli (how anyone can get meaningful work done in a noisy cafe is beyond my comprehension) but I prefer providing focused attention when I can. I know that I will miss important things in a large, bustling group–nuances of body language, bids for attention, barely perceptible interactions between children, and so on. And this doesn’t even include listening and responding to parents’ words! A period of quiet observation (in addition to smaller classes, intentionally capped at 6 families) allows all of us to more easily notice these minute details. Just as I ask parents to pause, refrain from conversation and engaging in play with their child, and observe the children in the group during quiet observation, I will occasionally tell a child who is wanting my attention during a parent’s check-in, “I’m listening to your mama right now, I’ll be with you in a minute.” Both children and parents are deserving of attentive listening.

A Chance to Practice Single-Tasking 

In her excellent book How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids, Dr. Carla Naumburg outlines a few of the ways that multitasking interferes with our ability to parent the way we want. She explains that, “(multitasking) makes us more distracted and less attentive, it increases our anxiety, it makes us more likely we’ll miss important information and cues, and it makes us less efficient.” Since multitasking is the go-to for most parents of young children, it can be difficult to “downshift” and practice slowing down and attending to one thing at a time. Quiet observation offers time for just that! Much like a meditation practice where the breath may be your “object” of attention, during quiet observation you might focus on your child (or someone else’s child) as the object of your attention. You might get lost in the thoughts running through your mind before gently bringing yourself back and refocusing on your child. 

Supporting Play, Regulation, Peer Relationships, and Focus 

Young children can become quite dysregulated when their parents are otherwise distracted (on the phone, talking to a friend, etc.) It’s not rare for the quality of children’s play to change in class when parents begin their check-ins–the children’s volume often increases, and they might begin climbing on the parent, putting their face very close to their parent’s face, or interrupting in other (totally developmentally appropriate) ways. This is not to say that parents should be expected to give their children full attention every waking moment. However, offering children a reliable time when they know they will not need to compete for your attention is an incredibly special and supportive gift. RIE® Associate Ruth Anne Hammond explains, “To the children, it is a welcome relief not to have to spend any of their attention either screening out the general noise level of a bunch of adults talking and laughing or trying to understand what is being said.” During quiet observation children are able to concentrate more deeply on their play, whether alone or with one another, nurturing their emerging capacity for focused attention and emotional intelligence. 

Access to Hive Mind Awareness 

Occasionally parents will share something they noticed during the observation that not everyone else noticed. It’s not just that the quality of your attention deepens the more you practice observation, but you’re also able to benefit from the sharp eyes and ears of the others in the class. Watching videos of infants and toddlers with students of RIE® Foundations™ or in the community college courses I teach, I’m eternally astounded by the diversity of what students notice while watching the same exact video. What we see is impacted by a multitude of factors and this is the joy of the group! Seeing everything your child can do through the eyes of another can be enlightening and inspiring.

You (Literally) Get to Sit Back While I Intervene 

RIE® Parent Infant Guidance classes are designed to primarily be demonstration classes. Throughout the class, including during quiet observation, I will model supportive interactions (as necessary) with the children. There may be a conflict between children or an exploration to determine which play objects may be thrown. A child may need spotting on the climbing triangle, or they might become frustrated with a plan they had that isn’t working out as they’d hoped (e.g. dressing a baby doll). Families are always welcome to offer support during these moments but the joy of the demonstration model is that you can trust that I will step in if you’re not sure what to do or are curious about how I would intervene.  

Introverts Unite! 

“In the midst of a hectic life, peacefully watching their own and others’ children freely and joyfully exploring, with no agenda and no responsibility to make intelligent or witty conversation, especially among competitive types, is such a relief.” -Ruth Anne Hammond 

While silence can be uncomfortable for some, it can be vastly preferable to conversation for others. Offering a period of quiet respite honors the needs of tired parents, introverts, and neurodivergent folks. 

I know that sitting quietly can feel like a lot, especially when you’re exhausted or needing to be heard. I hope that these benefits will sweeten the practice until it becomes second nature for you (it will). In the meantime, I’m here to make sure you feel safe and supported on your unique parenting journey. 

Take good care, 

Laurel 

“Once you learn how to observe, how to pay full attention, your relationship with other people, grown ups included, will also change. You give them a gift by telling them with your attentive behavior, ‘You are worth my interest and full attention.’ Every human being likes to be listened to, to get genuine attention, to feel understood, accepted, approved of and appreciated.”

— Magda Gerber

References

Gerber, M. (2003). Dear parent: Caring for infants with respect. Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE).

Hammond, R. A. (2019). Respecting babies: A guide to Educaring® for parents and professionals. Zero to three.

Naumburg, C. (2019). How to stop losing your sh*t with your kids: A practical guide to becoming a Calmer, happier parent. Workman Publishing.

My Journey With Mindfulness (Part 2)

Wow, could it really be that simple?! No shame, no drama, no self-loathing, no elaborate systems, no rewards or punishments?!   

Cheri Huber’s work helped me begin realizing that this attitude was ineffective, harmful and indeed interfering with my ability to make changes in my life that I truly wanted to make (like establishing a regular meditation practice).

And so I began a 5 day per week Vipassana meditation practice. I remember using a paper calendar (and stickers) to track the early phase of my practice as it was first becoming established. I’m pretty sure I started small (5-10 minutes) and worked my way up to 20 minutes over time (where I plateaued for many years before bumping up to 30 minutes only within the past few years). Somewhere along the line I purchased my own navy cotton zafu (meditation cushion) and eventually transitioned to using a low meditation bench (now my legs never fall asleep).

In 2016 I discovered that Margaret Townsend, a local breathwork facilitator, was co-leading an 8-week Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) course and I knew I desperately wanted to attend. The course was based on the work of Drs. Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer, the pioneering researchers and clinicians who founded the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion. We focused on simple but effective concepts like, “What do I need?” and “What do I long to hear?” We experimented with which of the MSC practices resonated with us the most (affectionate breathing, compassionate friend, self-compassion break, and soothing touch are a few of my favorites). The course culminated in a half day retreat. This course was powerful beyond words–soothing, healing, vulnerable. I wholeheartedly believe that self-compassion (which is at the root of compassion for others) has the potential to change the world. 

Last April I decided to attend my first weeklong retreat at Cloud Mountain in SW Washington. In the days leading up to the retreat I was absolutely terrified. My fear of the unknown really wanted to be heard. What would come up? What if I couldn’t handle it?  A week without reading, writing OR talking?! It ended up being wonderful in an unparalleled kind of way. A week to “drop out” of day-to-day life and focus entirely on my practice. By the end I even experienced extended periods where my mind’s chatter stopped and I was able to focus completely on my breath (something I haven’t been able to replicate much outside of retreat). I’m already scheming to figure out when I’ll be able to attend again. 

The retreat inspired me to switch from sitting five days a week to every day. Something about incorporating meditation into my daily routine was exactly what I needed. I realized that I had leaned too far into the phrase “recommitting is the point” and that I could bring more discipline and awareness to what constituted a reasonable reason not to meditate (travel? A long day hiking? Not feeling great?). I downloaded the Habit Tracker app which inspired my longest streak yet–172 days (which eventually ended).  

Don’t get me wrong, almost 10 years later meditation is still not “easy.” Sometimes I spend an inordinate amount of time avoiding the simple act of sitting down on my bench. I’ll tidy the house, start a load of laundry, realize I’ve waited too long and now need to eat breakfast, receive a distracting text or email–you name it. But engaging in this practice is one of–if not the–most important things I’ve ever done. The practice of becoming acquainted with the habits and process of my mind and nourishing curiosity for my own experience is something I’m not sure I could have cultivated any other way. I’ve done this enough to now know (most of the time) that things will pass–the itch, the impulse, even the worry. Now, it’s really easy to see when others are being unkind towards themselves and easiER (not easy) to notice when I’m being unkind towards myself. 

“Many of us subscribe to the belief that spiritual growth happens as a result of daily meditation, mindfulness retreats, and inspiration from wise luminaries. But one of the greatest teachers you could ever hope to learn from is living right under your roof, even if (especially if) he or she pushes your buttons or challenges your limitations… True spirituality doesn’t happen in a cave at the top of a mountain. It’s down here, wiping a runny nose, playing yet another round of Candyland, or rocking a colicky baby at two in the morning. The Buddha is crying in the next room. How you handle that is as evolved and as spiritual as it gets. ”

— Susan Stiffelman, MFT

I have spent 8 of the past 10 years caring for children and my meditation practice has been the ABSOLUTE most important factor influencing my ability to stay calm and show up with patience and presence for the young humans in my life. My practice has helped me hold space through tantrums, separation anxiety, impulsive behaviors, and sibling squabbles. My practice has helped me know when to step in and offer help as well as helping me know when to step back and observe. I’ve learned how to soothe myself as children have been inconsolable or simply taken on bold physical challenges. I’ve practiced holding a child’s (or children’s) needs simultaneously alongside my own as well as tending to my own fatigue, overwhelm, and frustrations. 

I can’t tell you how meditation will impact your life. All I can do is share my experience and let you know that it’s one of the best gifts you’ll ever give yourself. It’s never too late to start.

I’d love to hear about your journey with mindfulness. Do you have a practice? If so, what resources have been essential to your journey? If not, do you dream of starting one? Are you not quite sure where to begin? Let’s chat!

My Journey With Mindfulness (Part I)

Photo by Alex Strandlien

I wish I remembered exactly when I first became curious about mindfulness and meditation. My mom began meditating when I was about ten (she jokes that she read books about meditation for twenty years before actually beginning to sit) and that no doubt influenced me–at the very least I saw this as something that people I loved and respected did and something to be prioritized.  

The first mindfulness course I ever attended was as a graduate student. I’m not sure what specifically prompted me to sign up–most likely some blend of anxiety and burnout not unfamiliar to graduate students–but I enrolled in an MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) course based on the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn. The class took place at 4th Street Yoga in Berkeley, CA and that’s about the extent of what I remember. Ok, I do still have the course materials languishing on one of my bookshelves. But again, I know now I was planting seeds for the future. 

Fast forward ahead a few years to the winter after I first moved to Portland. I found myself crying in the Levi’s store for no apparent reason and knew something was off. I began working with a wonderful therapist soon after and spotted an intriguing title in the waiting room of her office: There is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber. The premise of the book blew my mind:

“You have been taught that there is something wrong with you and that you are imperfect, but there isn’t and you’re not.
”

— Cheri Huber

Whoa.

I’ve spent plenty of time raving about Cheri Huber to anyone who will listen and have collected a number of her books. Her writing is simple yet astonishingly profound. Her books contain plentiful hand-drawn illustrations that enhance the text immeasurably. The book of hers that impacted me the most was Making a Change for Good: A Guide to Compassionate Self-Discipline. I, like most folks, was socialized by our culture to believe that approaching myself with disappointment, disdain and disrespect when I fail to live up to my ideals is the most effective strategy for change. And then I read this paragraph:

Make a commitment to meditation or anything else, follow through, have something come up to interfere, break your commitment, and commit again! When we’re simply present to the whole process, “failure” and “lack of self-discipline” are beside the point. Letting yourself down is beside the point. Being disappointed is beside the point. Feeling discouraged is beside the point. Those reactions are designed to stop you. 

Recommitting is the point.

Those four words changed my life.

[Stay tuned for Part II!]

Mapping Out the Holiday Season

I sat down this morning to look through a spreadsheet my sister made a few years ago called “Holidaze,” a little tongue-in-cheek nod to the frenzied stupor that the holiday season has the power to evoke in all of us if we don’t carefully acknowledge our limited resources. This spreadsheet is the way we (my sister, mom and I) plan and coordinate my holiday visit back home. We’ve added a new tab each year. There’s a calendar with essential dates and plans filled in, a section where we each write our priorities for the holiday season, and a spot to write out things to do. I also added a tab where I’ve listed my favorite holiday traditions–in Oregon, in Arizona, and anywhere traditions (like crafting, baking cookies, or making tamales). This year I added an image of two mice curled up in an armchair reading a book next to a twinkling tree to remind myself of the general vibe I’m aiming for this season: cozy, relaxed, connected.

Source unknown

Sitting down to consider my own priorities and discussing the priorities of those I love is incredibly helpful in structuring and executing a mutually satisfying season. In the past I’ve avoided planning–thinking it would be easier to wait and see or figure it out last minute. This almost never works–especially when trying to consider the schedules, needs, and wants of multiple people.

Maybe spreadsheets aren’t for you, maybe your holiday season won’t involve travel or too much coordination–regardless, sitting down with a mug of something cozy and taking a bit of time to consider your own needs and wants while also considering those of your loved ones will make for a more aligned and intentional season. Speaking about a simple holiday season, Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting, reminds us, “It could be easy on the wallet and easy on the nerves. It's possible, it really is.”

Photo by S&B Vonlanthen on Unsplash

You’ll see my process listed out below but I’d love to hear what’s worked for you and your family.

Step 1: Clarify your values (I like using a personal values card sort)

Step 2: List out everything you’re interested in doing/everything that feels important to you this season

Step 3: Check in with yourself–your needs and your capacity (Mara Glatzel’s work is always my go-to for this)

In a broad sense, what has your energy/motivation been like recently (over the past few months) and more specifically, what is your energy/motivation like today or this week?

Step 4: Ruthlessly edit your list of possibilities while coordinating with your calendar and making space for those most important events or traditions

Step 5: Take it day by day, week by week

Step 6: Regularly make time to reflect and reevaluate (writing notes might help you remember what you’ve learned about yourself and your family for next year)

Let me know how it goes!

“The harder you struggle to fit everything in, the more of your time you’ll find yourself spending on the least meaningful things… The reason for this effect is straightforward: the more firmly you believe it ought to be possible to find time for everything, the less pressure you’ll feel to ask whether any given activity is the best use for a portion of your time. Whenever you encounter some potential new item for your to-do list or your social calendar, you’ll be strongly biased in favor of accepting it, because you’ll assume you needn’t sacrifice any other tasks or opportunities in order to make space for it … If you never stop to ask yourself if the sacrifice is worth it, your days will automatically begin to fill not just with more things, but with more trivial or tedious things, because they’ve never had to clear the hurdle of being judged more important than something else. ”

— Oliver Burkeman, Four Thousand Weeks

Resources:

The Holiday Season: Putting the Genie Back in the Bottle by Kim John Payne

A Jolly Toddler Holiday – 3 Ways To Enrich The Experience by Janet Lansbury 

Needy (podcast and book) by Mara Glatzel 

No Moving Target December by Hands Free Mama

Reclaim the Holidays for You Dr. Becky Kennedy with guest Priya Parker  

Santa on the Brain by Kelly Lambert

Supporting Tots to Teens During Holiday Stress and Excitement Dr. Aliza Pressman with guest Claire Lerner, LMSW

Unplug the Christmas Machine: A Complete Guide to Putting Love and Joy Back into the Season by Jo Robinson and Jean Staeheli

How to Talk About Your Child

“The same words or actions that hurt our feelings and make us feel disrespected feel the same way to children. Dignity is not something we acquire when we become adults. All of us are born with human dignity. The same words or actions that take away our dignity also take away children’s dignity.”

— Pam Leo, Connection Parenting

(5 min. read) Have you ever had the experience of sitting in a dentist’s chair where your dentist and the hygienist are talking about your teeth or your dental history but not with you–they’re using words you don’t understand and you’re starting to get a little concerned that their inscrutable faces and the way they keep poking around in your mouth and throwing out words like occlusal this and anterior that might mean you have a cavity (or worse, a root canal?!)? Even if you can’t fully comprehend the details of their conversation, you’re tuned in to their body language, their facial expressions, and their tone. You’re feeling ill at ease (at best), vulnerable, confused, frustrated, wary, self-conscious, or maybe some combination of these. You might interrupt–once they’ve removed their fingers from your mouth–and inquire about what’s going on, “Do I need a root canal?” Remembering an experience like this might give you a bit of a sense for what it feels like to be a young child and know that adults are talking about you. Feels pretty icky, doesn’t it? 

Every parent and caregiver will have occasions where they need to speak about their child (or the child they’re caring for) in the child’s presence. Whenever possible, we strive to speak about children–their development, behaviors, and interactions as well as the ways we perceive, relate to, and make meaning of these things–when they’re well out of earshot (the next room doesn’t count!). In the early years, children’s capacity for receptive language (understanding what’s being said) often outshines their expressive language (using words or signs to communicate), which means that they’re paying greater attention and understanding more than we think.

They might not yet have the words to let you know they’re feeling uncomfortable when they hear you talking about them so this might present as interrupting, demanding attention, or finding another (equally frustrating) way to communicate their increasing dysregulation. 

Needing to speak about a child in their presence can come up during drop off or pick up with a caregiver, at home with your co-parent or another member of your parenting team, at the pediatrician, or during a parent-child class. I’ve had the joy of witnessing the families in my classes go about this with incredible thoughtfulness and respect. Not only are my classes designed to prioritize children’s play and exploration, they also provide a safe container for parents to discuss the peaks and valleys of caring for young children, so it’s inevitable (and welcome!) that parents will speak about their children. 

“Respect is the basis of the RIE® philosophy. We not only respect babies, we demonstrate our respect every time we interact with them. Respecting a child means treating even the youngest infant as a unique human being, not an object. Nobody knows when exactly an infant begins to understand language. But infants do begin to pay attention to the world around them slowly and gradually from birth.”

— Magda Gerber

Here are a few suggestions to treat your child with dignity in those moments when you don’t have another option than speaking about them in their presence. 

• Let them know you’re going to talk about them. “Talia, I’m going to talk about your sleep/our daycare drop offs/mealtimes/(fill in the blank).” 

• Include them, if possible, as you speak. Make eye contact and turn towards them, showing them that they’re part of the conversation.  

  • “You’ve been waking up many times at night recently and it’s been hard for you to fall back asleep. I’m going to tell your auntie about it.” 

  • “Drop offs at daycare this week have been kind of tricky, haven’t they? You’ve been feeling upset when I hand you to (your caregiver). (Your caregiver) and I are going to talk about what we can do to help you feel a little more comfortable.”

  • “I’ve been getting frustrated during mealtimes, haven’t I? You’ve been putting your food on the floor and not seeming hungry but start asking for food just as soon as I put it away. I’m going to talk to the group about it.” 

• **As I wrote these examples I realized that I was employing the recommendation of one of my mentors, Dr. Lawrence Cohen, to, “Be honest about your emotions with the volume turned down.” Children are not equipped to hear the full intensity of our emotional experiences. Save those full-on vent sessions for after your child is asleep, at tea with a friend, on the phone with your listening partner, or during a 1:1 support session.   

• **In talking about a child in their presence I would not say, “Felix has been freaking out when I leave him at daycare!” I prefer using words like “tricky” (I use tricky a LOT) to discuss challenges. “Tricky” conveys that their behavior is not the end of the world (while still acknowledging the challenge) and assures kiddos that we can tolerate their big emotions. 

• **From the other end of this interaction (as a facilitator), I acknowledge the child as part of the conversation by addressing them in addition to their parent. [Looking between child and parent and showing concern–but not despair–in my face: “That does sound pretty tricky, huh?” or “Some weeks are like that, aren’t they?”]. 

• If you forget to prep them, as soon as you notice they’re aware that you’re talking about them (they might look at you or around the room) you can let them know, “Yeah I’m talking about ______.” 

• If they start to become agitated you can decide whether you need to continue the conversation or whether you can wrap it up. You can acknowledge, “You don’t like that I’m talking about you right now, huh?” or “I wonder if you’re feeling a little uncomfortable that I’m talking about ______?”

• Avoid labels. In Your Self-Confident Baby, Magda Gerber and Allison Johnson remind us, “Try not to use labels, either positive or negative, when talking to or about your child, as in saying, ‘Rebecca is short-tempered,’ ‘Josh is shy,’ ‘Susan, you’re grouchy in the morning,’ or even ‘Dani is an early walker’ or ‘Kim, you’re such a good talker.’ I feel labels are disrespectful because they are judgements about a child’s character. They can also become self-fulfilling prophecies.”

• Ask yourself, “Does this conversation need to happen right now?” Many times it does, but sometimes it doesn’t.

I remember observing a class that RIE® Associate (then RIE® Intern) Vicki Smolke was facilitating at Bellevue College in Washington where the adults would use the children’s clothing (you can also use a child’s first initial) as a way to identify a child if they were going to speak about them. For example, “I noticed the way yellow pants tried once to pull that ball away from green shirt but green shirt held on. Did you see that too?” If the children were looking to me (as the facilitator) or to their parents to acknowledge what had happened I would sportscast the interaction but if they had moved on I might use this strategy to draw the parents’ attention to the exchange for further discussion. This strategy is an option for those moments we might not want to interrupt children’s play but feel compelled to discuss an interaction.   

Next time you feel the urge to talk about your child in their presence, check in with yourself. If there’s no better option–especially if there’s no other way you can share what’s going on for you as a parent and receive support–rest assured that at least there’s a way it can be done respectfully.  

Resources: 

Is Your Baby A Bully? Smart? Shy? Why We Should Lose Labels by Janet Lansbury 

Talking About Your Children in Front of Them May Affect Their Self-Esteem, Experts Say

Talking in Front of Children

Image Credit: Anna Shvets via Pexels

Tapping Into Unconditional Positive Regard for Only $0.29

(2 min read) One of the families I used to work for had a framed photo of one of their children prominently displayed in the window above their kitchen sink. Not just any photo, but a photo of their child sleeping as a young toddler. Snuggly in a sleep sack, curled onto their belly, their tiny mouth relaxed… soooo innocent and peaceful. I always loved that photo. 

As time passed I realized that this wasn’t just a sweet photo that made me happy. It had magic powers! 

Each time I looked at it (which was many, many times per day) I was reminded of how young and small this child used to be. I was also reminded of how young and small they still were regardless of how well they were able to negotiate or how grown up they seemed in comparison. 

I think that displaying such a photo allows us to tap into those feelings of unconditional positive regard that are absolutely essential for all the times that children will test us. Unconditional positive regard is a concept popularized by humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers in the 1950s. It can be defined as: 

an attitude of caring, acceptance, and prizing that others express toward an individual irrespective of his or her behavior (emphasis added)... Unconditional positive regard is considered conducive to the individual’s self-awareness, self-worth, and personality growth; it is, according to Carl Rogers, a universal human need essential to healthy development.

Unconditional positive regard is a crucial stance for the all-out tantrums and the times they’ll holler “I hate you.” For the times they shove their sibling (who happens to be standing on the stairs) or draw on the walls or throw a dinosaur at your head. For the times they’ll push us to our absolute limit of patience. For the times we have to really dig deep because it’s our job as the adults to stay calm and regulated and remember that children aren’t “giving us a hard time, they’re having a hard time.” 

“Children need to be loved as they are, and for who they are. When that happens, they can accept themselves as fundamentally good people, even when they screw up or fall short… Unconditional love, in short, is what children require in order to flourish.”

— Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting

And whatever we need to do in order to remember this sweetness, this innocence, this developmental immaturity will only serve us in being the kind of parents and caregivers we want to be–patient, empathic, generous, curious, benevolent, understanding, and optimistic. 

So get thee to the drugstore and print out a photo of your kiddo in a sweet sleepy moment and put it up somewhere in your home where you can see it every day. Let it be a reminder of your child as a perfectly imperfect, still-developing, still-learning human who is, at their core, good and always worthy of love. And maybe, while you’re at it, print out a photo of yourself as a young child to remind yourself that you too are all of those same things.

Your Superpower for the First Year of Parenthood... and Beyond!

Praveen Kumar Mathivanan via Unsplash

(4 min read) Have you ever wished there was a way to prepare yourself for the inevitable disequilibrium of caring for an infant? A way to shore up your own well-being so that you can remain within your own window of tolerance (calm, focused, and able to cope) and therefore be better equipped to show up for your child? A way to support the development of secure attachment in your child? A way to nurture your child’s ability to one day skillfully manage their own emotions and function with greater independence? 

Well you’re in luck because there is and it’s called regulation! It has two components: self-regulation and co-regulation.

Giulia Bertelli via Unsplash

WHAT IS SELF-REGULATION? 

According to Dr. Stuart Shanker, author of Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life, self-regulation is, “The ability to stay calmly focused and alert.” As adults, it also involves how we soothe ourselves, manage stress and transitions, and our capacity to be able to wait for things we really want (i.e. delayed gratification). Self-regulation is the magic behind our ability to thoughtfully respond with intention as opposed to reacting impulsively when big feelings or unexpected events come up (e.g. when someone cuts you off on the highway or your toddler takes a swing at the baby). 

Adults’ capacity for self-regulation varies due to a variety of factors including temperament, environment, and how sensitive our nervous systems are to stimulation (which is impacted by disability, stress, trauma, and other factors). However, we can influence our baseline self-regulation through a variety of practices, including mindfulness and conscious breathing, by becoming aware of our sensory triggers and modifying our environment or adding in supports, and through co-regulation with empathic adults, to name a few. 

Adult self-regulation is woefully overlooked in much of the popular parenting discourse. There is a focus on infants needing to learn how to self-soothe and children learning how to self-regulate. Using rewards and punishments when children aren’t able to live up to adult expectations is still the norm. Adults often worry that supporting and helping soothe a child who is dysregulated is “rewarding” unwanted behavior. However, many folks tend to gloss over the major role adults  play when it comes to kiddos’ regulatory capacity. 

While we’re discussing adults’ capacity I want to note that there is no state of “perfect” regulation to be achieved. The process of learning how to regulate ourselves is a lifelong journey–one that requires experimentation, trial and error, patience, recalibration, tuning in to ourselves, and always, always self-compassion. 

Isaac Quesada via Unsplash

WHAT IS CO-REGULATION? 

The other side of the coin is co-regulation that involves attuned, supportive interactions between adult and child. Dr. Shanker reminds us, “It is only by being regulated that a child develops the ability to self-regulate.” And this process of being regulated is called co-regulation. Co-regulation is an ongoing conversation that involves observing, listening to, and communicating with your child. Sometimes you might utilize soothing techniques (e.g. holding, singing, getting fresh air) to help activate your child’s calming responses. 

Just as I mentioned the factors that influence adults’ ability to self-regulate, these same factors impact infants. Additionally, whether a child is born preterm, their age and developmental stage all influence the amount of support (via co-regulation) a child will need. It’s also important to note that our need for co-regulation never ceases–it may wax and wane but our need for compassionate connection in moments of distress (or excitement!) remains throughout the life course. 

Co-regulation is complex and nuanced–it requires us to draw upon internal resources we might not know we have–and can feel especially tricky if we’re trying to parent in a way that’s different from the way we were responded to as children.

As Zen teacher Cheri Huber and Melinda Guyol, MFT, point out in their incredible resource, Time-Out for Parents: A Guide to Compassionate Parenting,

“You must take care of the child inside your adult self before you’re able to take care of the child you are raising. Of course we don’t have the luxury of putting on hold parenting our external children while we learn to parent our internal children. We must parent both simultaneously. This is another opportunity to model how you want your child to be as an adult: taking care of yourself as you take care of others.”

What a beautiful reframe of a challenge confronted by many, many parents!  

Toa Heftiba via Unsplash

A CO-REGULATION RESOURCE

One of my favorite in-the-moment resources for co-regulation is the CALMS Approach developed by Debby Takikawa, DC and Carrie Contey, PhD. The acronym reminds us to: 

Check in With Yourself

Allow a Breath

Listen to Your Baby

Make Contact and Mirror Feelings 

Soothe Your Baby 

This simple yet powerful process distills down the essence of co-regulation into a concrete, approachable, and grounding tool you can turn to in moments of distress. This framework beautifully blends mindful awareness and self-regulation with observation and communication in order to develop attunement and secure attachment by supporting infants in feeling safe, supported, and understood. 

Holding space for an infant who needs to cry is one of the most difficult aspects of caregiving. It can be incredibly dysregulating to listen to crying. We can feel frustrated, confused, overwhelmed, ineffectual; it can be hard to know when we need to step in to assist and when we’ve done everything we can. It can bring up discomfort from our own childhoods.

Infant specialist Magda Gerber, co-founder of RIE®, gently reminds us, “Our goal should not be to stop the crying, but to understand what the cry means… Allowing a child to cry requires more knowledge, time, and energy than just picking up a child and patting her.” Gerber is not saying that we ignore infants, however she is asking us to be aware of our own impulses to intervene when our child cries without attempting to make sense of what’s going on for them. 

There is so much more to discuss about these topics and I would love to be able to support you with feeling more prepared for the social-emotional aspects of caring for an infant. If you’re curious about learning more about (parental) self-regulation and co-regulation during your child’s first year I’ll be hosting a workshop at Andaluz Waterbirth Center on April 29th, 2023. It’s open to expectant parents and those with infants up to 12 months of age. You can enroll here. Spots are limited. 

How to Spot a Young Climber

(6 min. read) Go to any rock climbing gym and you’ll probably be required to watch a video that shows you how to “spot” a climber (usually someone who is bouldering/climbing without a rope). In order to spot someone who is climbing, you provide your undivided, laser-focused attention, stand below or near the climber with your arms raised, ready to guide them to fall in a safe way (avoiding harm to their head or spine), but not with the intention of preventing a fall, and support them with words of encouragement and the occasional technical suggestion (but only if/when the climber is asking for it).

It’s not that different for children. Of course, sometimes (if we’re able and the consequences would be high) we will catch them. But it’s not always possible or (gasp) advisable. I remember being in a toddler swim class where the instructor reminded us to allow the child to dip under water briefly if they jump in to the pool–we really want them to begin to learn about what it means to be in water and how their actions have consequences. If they magically float every time they’re in water (because we stop them from dipping under or because they wear floaties) they’re actually at much greater risk around water. The equivalent for this on land is learning how gravity works and how to fall.

“Learning to fall, getting up again, and moving on is the best preparation for life. ”

— Magda Gerber

It’s helpful to hold in mind the goals of physical activity and exploration for children: 

• for children to learn their limits so they can keep themselves safe (because one day we won’t be around to keep them safe)  

• for children to practice making decisions & discovering the outcomes of their actions 

• for children to maintain the experience of movement as being joyful, self-directed, and a way to pursue mastery 

• for children to develop confidence, strength, balance, and coordination  

In a podcast I recently listened to about safety in the (Montessori) home, parent educator and mom, Nicole Kavanaugh voiced what she knew might be a controversial opinion. She remarked,  

“I want them to bump their heads when they’re little because it’s going to teach them where… things are and where their body is in time and space because it’s a heck of a lot easier for them to learn it then than to spend a lot of time learning it when they’re older and the consequences are a lot higher.” 

Yep. 

Before we get into the how-to of spotting a climber I want to first address a few of the reasons why climbing can be so difficult to watch.

• It can be incredibly anxiety provoking. Our minds go down the rabbit hole of fear and fortune telling (which can easily and quickly become quite grim). If we don’t have a good handle on regulating our own anxiety or challenging our own cognitive distortions and fear stories our anxiety will impact our child’s confidence and perception of what kind of a place the world is and their ability (or lack thereof) to navigate it safely. Hovering and offering unhelpful statements (BE CAREFUL!) are ineffective strategies we use to quell our anxiety that can actually interfere with our child’s ability to keep themself safe.

“Adult warnings to “be careful” are redundant at best and, at worst, become focal points for rebellion (which, in turn, can lead to truly risky behavior) or a sense that the world is full of unperceived dangers that only the all-knowing adults can see (which, in turn, can lead to the sort of unspecified anxiety we see so much of these days). Every time we say “be careful” we express, quite clearly, our lack of faith in our children’s judgment, which too often becomes the foundation of self-doubt. ”

— "Teacher Tom" Hobson

I vividly remember a story Dr. Lawrence Cohen tells in his book, The Opposite of Worry. He’s at the park with a friend and his 3-year-old daughter. She’s climbing and he’s fretting over her, reminding her to be careful, and wringing his hands with anxiety when his friend suggests, “She’ll recover better from a broken arm than from being timid and unsure of herself.” Wow. Of course, she didn’t break her arm that day but this story reminds us that taking time to notice exactly what we might be communicating when we hover or project our own fears onto our climbing child is an invaluable awareness that will serve us throughout our child’s life.   

• We can set ourselves up for additional anxiety by helping our child into or onto places they can’t access through their own strength or ability. 

Avoiding the temptation to place your child into spots (slides, play structures, etc.) they can’t safely access on their own goes a long way towards keeping your child safe. Young children are realistically limited by height, strength, and capacity to be able to get themselves into very unsafe places (for the most part). There’s a reason the first step to a play structure is usually taller if it isn’t made for toddlers. This is not to say that they won’t ask, especially if they’ve become accustomed to you placing them in higher up spots! 

I remember when one of the children I used to care for was a young toddler she really wanted me to place her onto a spring rocker at the park but I wouldn’t because I didn’t think it was safe (and because it’s a crucial tenet of Magda Gerber’s Educaring® approach). I would validate her frustrations, “You really want me to put you up there, I hear that. I don’t put kids into spots they can’t reach on their own. You can try to figure out a way to get up there.” I would also remind her that someday she would be able to reach. It was tricky to wait but voila! Eventually the day came where she was able to reach and it was VERY exciting. Her wide smile and excitement—once she was able to climb up all on her own—was priceless.

• We might not know the difference between risk and hazard. 

When we educate ourselves on the differences between risks and hazards (and dive into the benefits of so-called risky play, or safety play as “Teacher Tom” Hobson calls it) we can be better equipped to support our child’s exploration. 

“Play scholars and activists define a hazard as a danger in the environment that could seriously injure or endanger a child and is beyond the child’s capacity to recognize. Risk is then defined as the challenges and uncertainties within the environment that a child can recognize and learn to manage by choosing to encounter them while determining their own limits.” (“Risk, Hazard, and Play: What are Risks and Hazards?”)

“We do come near so that the infant knows we are available, which brings about a certain amount of security… We would like to convey the feeling, “I think you can handle it, but if not, I am here.””

— Magda Gerber

Ok, now that we’ve unearthed some of what can come up while observing a child climbing I want to suggest a 5 step process for selective intervention: 

1. Observe closely from a distance. 

2. If the consequences of falling would be severe or you feel like your child would benefit from more support (also see below for other factors), inform the child of your intention & slowly and without great concern move closer to them (“I’m going to come a little closer in case you need any help”). Sprinting over can distract them. 

3. You may decide to bring your hands near–but not touching–your child (behind or under their back or bottom) in order to support them if they fall.

4. If a child appears stuck, frustrated, or overwhelmed, use words to describe what you see and acknowledge emotions; offer alternatives/ideas (“Hmmm, looks like you’re wondering how to get down the Pikler triangle. Could you step one leg down here?” and point to a lower rung). 

5. If you’ve attempted step 4 and a child still seems frozen they may need some physical support (“I can help you. I’ll lift you down.”).

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And finally, acknowledge that learning to tolerate the discomfort of allowing your child to take small, developmentally appropriate risks is a journey without a destination. You may never feel completely at ease when your child is climbing, or running at top speed, or scootering lickety-split (I certainly don’t and I’ve logged many thousands of hours caring for children and being singlehandedly responsible for their safety) and that’s okay. Many folks experience complex feelings about their kiddos growing up and becoming more independent and that’s okay too. A blissed out, lying on the beach, sipping out of a coconut type calm isn’t what we’re after in these moments. However, a growing awareness of the thoughts and stories that come up in conjunction with a broader repertoire of self-soothing skills is what we can move towards. Hip, hip, hooray for climbing!

[Photo note: At the beginning of this post you’ll see my mom spotting my sister on a rather steep boulder. I love these photos so much because you can see trust, patience, and a calm allowing of developmentally appropriate exploration in action.]

[Note: If you find that your anxiety is interfering with your ability to tolerate your child’s developmentally appropriate exploration it might be beneficial to seek out some additional support from a qualified mental health provider.]

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Resources:

Don’t Stress, Just Spot – How to Keep Kids Safe in Challenging Situations Without Taking Over  by Christina Vlinder

Finding the Line Between Rescuing and Supporting Kids by Dr. Lawrence Cohen

Risk, Hazard, and Play: What are Risks and Hazards? from the Canadian Public Health Association

“Safety Play” by “Teacher Tom” Hobson

6 Ways Anxiety Can Show Up in a Parent-Child Class

Photo by Marcin Jozwiak on Unsplash

(5 min. read) I’m going to self-disclose here. I struggle with anxiety (including social anxiety) and have for most of my life. It isn’t always predictable as to when it will pop up or how intense it will be. It can be frustrating and discouraging… so often I just want to feel calm and effortlessly connected and stop the endless swirl of thoughts, worries, and planning. It often takes a good amount of self-reg to get there but I’ve worked up to the point of being able to show up in social situations and remain connected (even if I’m not feeling super relaxed about it). The value of connection is greater to me than the discomfort of anxiety.

If anxiety is something you’re working with, know that I can relate.

I probably don’t have to tell you this but anxiety in the general population has been on the rise for decades and with the pandemic reached historic highs–both for children and parents.

““During the COVID-19 pandemic, nearly one in six children aged 5–17 years had daily or weekly symptoms of anxiety or depression, a significant increase from before the COVID-pandemic (16.7% versus 14.4%).” ”

— Zablotsky, et al., 2022

According to the folks over at Georgetown University’s Health Policy Institute, “Parents and caregivers also experienced greater mental health needs. In 2020, just two-thirds of caregivers reported being in “excellent or very good” mental health, and just 6 in 10 reported coping “very well” with the demands of childrearing, both down significantly compared to 2016. On the other hand, 1 in 12 kids lived with someone with a mental illness in 2020, a 5.5 percent increase compared to 2016.” (1) [Honestly, was anyone in “excellent or very good” mental health during 2020??]

The more time I spend in these classes with families the more I’ve had time to consider the ways anxiety can manifest. A recent podcast episode with Dr. Sarah Bren and conversation with a local perinatal psychotherapist both reinforced my intuition about what’s going on with parents right now (hint: anxiety, especially social anxiety).

Photo by Kat Smith via Pexels

Here are a few of the ways anxiety can show up in a parent-child class:

1. Anxiety about my child’s behavior

• Is my child’s behavior “normal?” Is my child’s behavior typical for their age? Are they developing differently than other children? Are they on-target for their developmental milestones?

• What if other parents are judging my child?

  To these first two points I will say: developmentally appropriate behavior is expected in class–crying, fussing, quibbles about toys, frustrations about sharing space, demands and tantrums from toddlers… it’s all normal and it’s all welcome here. Children are offered direct support with managing their impulses and frustrations—I make sure everyone stays safe—but all feelings are welcome, normalized, and valued (for both children and parents).

• My child is exploring the Pikler triangle, climbing the ramp, or moving in a bold and experimental way… I’m worried about them!

“Generally parents have very limited access to safe, social spaces where they can truly relax about what their child is and isn’t doing (especially in regards to social learning)—I want this space to be characterized by an atmosphere of welcoming acceptance. ”

2. Anxiety about my responses to my child’s behavior (aka public parenting)

• What if the other parents are judging me?

• Am I doing enough? Am I doing it “right?” Am I intervening too much? Am I saying the “right” things? I’m not sure what to do…

• I don’t feel like I can respond as my best self when I’m worried about others watching me

3. My own social anxiety

• What if people are judging me (or my parenting choices)? What if I’m doing things differently than everyone else? What if my child’s behavior reflects poorly on my parenting?

• What if my voice trembles or I blush? What if they notice that I’m anxious?

• What will I say about my week? If someone asks for advice or support? What if my mind goes blank?

• It can be frightening to be seen/witnessed and to be vulnerable

• Fretting about something I said during class long after class is over

4. Being-together-again anxiety (my own) [specific to this moment in time emergence from COVID]

• Fears of contagion (COVID, RSV, flu…): What if my child gets sick? What if I get sick? What if my child gets another child sick? Did someone cough? Sneeze?

• We’re all a bit out of practice (it’s perhaps more comfortable to stay at home)

Photo by ABDALLA M on Unsplash

5. Caution about being together (my child’s) [this can range from typical, developmentally appropriate caution to clinically significant anxiety that disrupts my child’s ability to participate in life]

• Being in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people (may ask to leave, may want to stick close to their parent, sit on their lap, or be held)

• Not having had many opportunities to play with peers due to the pandemic

• What may present as a child’s anxiety may actually be them picking up on our anxious cues. Children are exquisitely attuned to our emotional state and can pick up on subtle tension, shallow/faster breathing, and other cues signaling to them that the environment isn’t safe. It’s always our job to regulate ourselves first and communicate through our tone and body language that social interactions can be safe and enjoyable!

6. Sitting still and quietly observing

• This can feel like anxiety when we’re used to perpetual movement or busyness (or can allow space to feel anxiety that was there all along but covered up)

• Silence can be uncomfortable!

• Is there any other time throughout the week when we sit still with our child for an hour and a half? Probably not! It makes sense that it’s going to feel hard at first. Your tolerance will grow with time and patience, much as your child’s capacity for independent play grows.

Photo by Jayy Torres on Unsplash

What to do?

• Get some exercise in the morning before class if you’re able

• Breathe! (never underestimate the value of directing our attention to the breath for a few cycles)

• Try a grounding technique

• Notice “the story I’m telling myself”

• Take a break from class if you need to–go walk the labyrinth, grab some tea at the cafe, sit in the sanctuary, splash some cold water on your face in the bathroom

• Offer yourself some kind words (“I feel uncomfortable but I can handle this. Getting support is really important for my mental health.”)

I’ve found that the parents who sign up for these classes are incredibly gentle, patient, and supportive of one another. It’s also my role as a facilitator to support the cultivation of a safe space. And usually with time comes greater comfort and ease. If you’re struggling with anxiety and want to know more about the ways I can support you in class (or have something to add to this list), send me an email!

Take good care,

Laurel

References:

Zablotsky, et al. (2022) Anxiety and depression symptoms among children before and during the COVID-19 pandemic. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1047279722002277?dgcid=author

(1) Research Update: Children’s Anxiety and Depression on the Rise. (2022) https://ccf.georgetown.edu/2022/03/24/research-update-childrens-anxiety-and-depression-on-the-rise/

Anxiety Resources:

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Dr. Edmund Bourne

Dr. Sarah Bren’s podcast Securely Attached Ep. 84 Social Anxiety in Parenthood: Navigating Play Dates, Mom-Friends, and Putting Yourself Out There with Justine Carino

Getting Rid of ANTS - Automatic Negative Thoughts

The Mindful Way Through Anxiety by Dr. Susan Orsillo and Dr. Lizabeth Roemer

The Opposite of Worry: The Playful Parenting Approach to Childhood Anxieties and Fears by Dr. Lawrence Cohen

Find a Therapist

Book Review: Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans by Michaeleen Doucleff, Ph.D.

“We don’t need to always try so hard. We can release our grip. We can release our grip on our children’s behavior and on what we think parents need to do. We can be confident that our children know better than we do about what they need to grow and learn. We can join the millions of parents around the world–and across history–who step behind the child, wait-a-bit, and let the child make their own decisions; let them make their own mistakes; and let them make their own types of kebabs. We, or an alloparent, will be standing behind them with our arms outstretched, ready to catch them if they fall.””

— Michaeleen Doucleff, Ph.D.

Recommended *with a few reservations

(7 min. read) This book was recommended by one (then two) parents in my classes before my mother also chimed in to recommend it. This well-researched book provided such a fascinating portrait of the ways multiple different Indigenous communities parent their children, as documented by NPR global health correspondent, Dr. Michaeleen Doucleff (and various other researchers). I appreciated the way Doucleff broke down the concepts outlined in the book into actionable, easy-to-implement steps. I also noticed so many echoes of Magda Gerber’s Educaring™ approach in these pages (concepts like trust, connection, and cooperation). 

This book also shone light on the major bias that exists in Western psychological research–the basis for much of what we know about parenting and what children (presumably all children) need in order to thrive. This attitude of curious skepticism allowed Doucleff to discover the acronym WEIRD (Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, and Democratic)--a term coined by three cross-cultural psychologists in 2010 to document this incredibly problematic bias. These psychologists informed us that folks from Western society, “including young children, are among the least representative populations one could find for generalizing about humans.” This knowledge led Doucleff to wonder, 

“What if some of the ideas we think of as ‘universals’ when it comes to raising children are actually ‘optical illusions’ created by our culture?”

She went on to inform us that, “Much of the parenting advice out there today isn’t based on ‘scientific or medical studies,’ or even on traditional knowledge passed down from grandmas to moms for centuries. Instead, a big chunk of it comes from centuries-old pamphlets–often written by male doctors–intended for foundling hospitals, where nurses cared for dozens, even hundreds, of abandoned babies, all at once.” [I will say that not all institutional care facilities provided the same level of care. Magda Gerber based her approach largely off what she learned from Dr. Emmi Pikler’s work at the Hungarian orphanage Loczy–where children had excellent outcomes compared to other children growing up in residential nurseries.] 

This knowledge alone allows us to be more discerning consumers of parenting advice. 

A few things I loved about the book: 

• The way Doucleff provides us with such an honest portrait of the struggles she encounters on her parenthood journey

• Concrete suggestions for ways to step back and move away from entertaining and micromanaging your child’s life and experiences 

• A focus on a holistic, balanced approach to family life 

  • choosing activities the entire family–including parents–will like, instead of focusing on child-centric activities

  • do chores together with your child (not during naps or in the evening) 

• Highlighting the value of play and storytelling to solve problems 

• A belief in children’s inherent goodness and their capacity for kindness, cooperation, and empathy 

• An emphasis on providing children with meaningful work and real tools (this nurtures their growing capacity to be of real help in successfully–and willingly–assisting with the day-to-day tasks of their family) 

• Prioritizing strategies for honing our own self-regulation skills 

Doucleff describes an illuminating conversation she has with Maria de los Angeles Tun Burgos, a mother of three, who lives in a Maya village on the Yucatán Peninsula of Mexico:  

“No matter what I do, Alexa wants to do it, too,” Maria says. “When I’m making tortillas, Alexa starts crying if I don’t let her make tortillas. And afterward, she always wants the broom to sweep up.” 

“And she actually sweeps and is helpful?” 

“It doesn’t matter. She wants to help somehow and so I permit her,” she says… 

“Whenever she wants to help, you let her?” I ask, still not understanding. “Even if it makes a giant mess?” 

“Yes. That is the way to teach children.”

Photo by Fausto Hernández via Pexels

Helpfulness can indeed be squelched when parents and caregivers consistently forbid or divert/distract children away from attempting new, challenging tasks because we’re worried about mess or efficiency and/or lack the ability to regulate ourselves enough to step back and allow children opportunities to flex their “me do it” muscles.  

While I loved so many of the ideas in this book, I disagree with a few of Doucleff’s suggestions: 

• Using “big girl” vs. “baby” as a way to motivate behavior '

  • “If she doesn’t clean up her toys or help with this dishes, I say, ‘Oh, you didn’t do it because you’re a baby?’” 

  • “If I hear a lot of whining and demanding on grocery day, I might ask, ‘Do whiny babies get to go to Trader Joe’s?’”

  • While Doucleff doesn’t suggest doing this sarcastically or mockingly necessarily, it still doesn’t feel right to take advantage of a child’s strong desire to feel mature and like a “big kid,” even if it’s “effective” in the short term.

Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

• The use of frightening “stories” to gain compliance

  • E.g. Monsters will come if you leave the fridge open, spiders will grow in your dress because you won’t take it off to be washed 

  • This is a perfect example how it can be problematic to take a strategy out of the original context and try to apply it in a different circumstance. (Doucleff describes how Inuit families use such stories to keep children at a safe distance from the icy ocean–a strategy that is important in their community to protect children. Using the same strategy to save a little bit of electricity or launder a dress seems problematic and completely unrelated to safety.) 

• Ignoring children’s inappropriate behavior  

  • “Ignoring children makes a powerful tool for disciplining” 

  • “Learn the art of ignoring… pretend like you can’t even hear or see them. With this flat expression, look into the horizon above the child’s head or to their side.” 

  • “Parents can teach children which emotions aren’t valued in the home by not responding to those emotions.”

  • Alfie Kohn summarizes a fascinating finding directly related to this type of conditional parenting: “An important new metaanalysis of 31 studies (with >11K participants) on the subject of conditional parenting - either doling out or withholding affection/approval to elicit certain behaviors - confirms a range of negative effects from both versions. Effects of these manipulative parenting tactics (positive reinforcement, deliberate ignoring, etc.): feelings of contingent self-worth, a diminished sense of autonomy (as kids act less out of choice than to quell guilt or anxiety), depression, and impaired parent-child relationships.” 

A few other ideas I’m less concerned about but that gave me pause:

• The language of “training” children (“steps to training a child”)

  • A child is not a dog. We can guide children, coach and support them, we can model values and behaviors that are important to us but we can’t train them. 

  • While I recognize that this might seem like an insignificant gripe, I think the language we use is important. [How would you feel if your partner was reading a book with a section titled, “Steps to training a husband/wife/partner?”] 

• Threatening to throw away a child’s toys if they don’t clean up 

  • “Last chance to clean this up or it’s going in the trash!” 

  • I agree that children often have more toys than they can manage themselves (not their fault) but I think there are more respectful ways of reaching an orderly space (that don’t require threats).

As always, I think it’s crucial to read parenting books with a critical eye (especially those written by folks outside of the child development/developmental psychology field), and this book is no exception. I think the underlying premise of this book–that great wisdom is held in Indigenous communities worldwide and we have a lot to learn from them–is incredibly valuable and I loved diving into accessible, engaging, thought-provoking research. However, the author also makes some suggestions that go against what most psychologists and child development experts agree to be best practice (her degrees are in chemistry, viticulture [the cultivation of grapevines], enology [the study of wines] and biology). 

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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The Multnomah County Library has 20 copies of this book and currently only a few holds. 

Haines, J. E., & Schutte, N. S. (2022). Parental conditional regard: A meta-analysis. Journal of Adolescence, 1–29. https://doi.org/10.1002/jad.12111 
Kohn, Alfie. Parental Love with Strings Attached. (2009).

Onion, R. (2021, March 6). There is no Parenting Utopia. Slate. https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/03/hunt-gather-parent-book-review.html

This Simple, Inexpensive, & Versatile Kit Will Support Resilience & Healing Through Play

I started writing this post in April 2020 and titled it “The One Toy Every Child Could Use Right Now.” I was considering how children were certainly needing to utilize play to gain some understanding of the new COVID-19 virus and the significant changes it was (and is still) making to all of our lives. I knew having a play medical kit around would be essential for children to be able to play through their uncertainties and anxieties about the global health crisis. Unfortunately I never finished the post but I’ve circled back to it because despite the fact that COVID is here to stay and we’ve had almost three years to become familiar with it–that doesn’t mean that our fears (both ours and our children’s) about it are completely gone. COVID aside, children can and will always benefit from having a simple medical kit in their arsenal. 

Photo by Kamaji Ogino via Pexels

Ranging from a simple and affordable (<$13) to a more comprehensive, realistic, and play-inspiring (though not necessarily expensive) DIY version, a children’s medical kit (also called a doctor’s kit or doctor’s play set) for pretend play is something I highly recommend for every child’s toy collection. I tend to prefer tools for children that are as close to the real thing as possible (like this stethoscope or real nitrile gloves–depending on their age, of course). Children aren’t easily fooled and I think you’ll notice a different quality and depth to their play with a more realistic kit than something that’s cutesy or more closely resembles a toy.

David Elkind, Ph.D. explains in his book The Power of Play,

“When we think of play therapy, we often associate its use in the clinic with troubled children. But all children use play therapeutically as a way of dealing with stress.” 

Most children experience some level of stress around even the most routine medical/dental visits, procedures, and immunizations. Most children will know an adult (maybe even a parent) who becomes ill or injured, or needs a surgery or other significant medical procedure. Having an easily accessible medical kit will support your child in exploring and bringing to light themes that can be difficult to put words to. 

Photo by Polesie Toys via Pexels

In Child Development: A Practitioner's Guide, Douglas Davies, MSW, Ph.D. reminds us,   

“Even though the preschooler changes his identity in play, the play almost always reflects psychological themes and issues that are salient for the preschool child: the imitation of adult behavior; caretaking; practicing of parental, gender, and occupational roles; concerns about body damage and physical vulnerability; and mastery of danger.”  

Themes of illness, injury, death, and the fragility of the human body concern most of us to some degree throughout our lives and children are no different. Their strategies for coping with and examining these themes, however, are usually less verbal than ours and often centered around play.  

In his excellent book Playful Parenting, Dr. Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D. discusses how, after receiving an immunization, a child may be interested in coming home and playing a game where they are the one giving the shot. He explains, 

“The play shot might be pretend, but the need for emotional recovery is real. The child chooses this fantasy game because she wants a hand with her genuine feelings about the actual shot. This isn’t just play for fun (though the child may have lots of fun with it); it is play with a purpose. The purpose is to go through the incident again, but this time letting the scary feelings out–usually through giggles. That’s why a child likes to play this kind of game over and over and over.” 

If your child seems particularly interested in the kit after it’s presented, you can support them in going deeper with their play by providing them with access to:

-baby dolls (Miniland sells diverse, anatomically correct dolls)

-books about the body (a different post entirely!)

-a doll family 

-an ambulance (I’d suggest removing the battery for your own sanity)

-child sized masks (doll sized too) –especially if your child is learning how to wear a mask (I know some preschools are still requiring them)

[Even if your kids don’t want to play with it now, let it sit on the shelf fully stocked and see if they circle back to it… you might be surprised!] 

I’m curious to hear if you’ve ever noticed your kiddos using play to work through their worries about illness or injury. Have there been any toys or other objects your child has used in their play? Anything that surprised you? Any new ideas you’re inspired to implement in supporting this type of play?

I’d love to hear from y’all!

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Note: If your child has experienced trauma and/or you notice and are concerned about serious, recurring themes in your child’s play that don’t seem to be shifting, consider seeking out support from a qualified mental health professional.

Saturday Afternoon Yardwork: Chore or Treasured Family Tradition?

Photo by OPPO Find X5 Pro on Unsplash

(2 min read) I came in dusty and parched from picking up rotten, fallen apples in the backyard and felt such a strong nostalgia for a Saturday childhood tradition. My grandma and aunt would come over and we (my mom, sister and I) would do yard work together until dusk. We’d be completely tuckered out so we’d grab takeout and sit down together and watch Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. On special occasions my grandma might spend the night. These are some of my fondest childhood memories. So many of the people I loved all gathered together, spending time chatting, pulling weeds, pruning, raking leaves. Eventually I decided to leave my own mark on the garden and dug multiple deep holes in the impossible desert caliche soil before gingerly lowering bare root roses. My grandma loved those roses and my mom still reminisces about all of my hard work to plant them (they’re still there, 20 years later, well established and heartier than ever). 

“Every time we include a child in an adult task–we are telling that child that they are part of something bigger than themselves. They are a part of a ‘we.’ And they are connected to the other members of the family. What they do helps or hurts others.”

— Michaeleen Doucleff, PhD

Rose garden circa 2002

When I look back on this tradition, it strikes me as odd that this is what I remember. Hard physical labor? What some might define as “chores?” But it really reinforces that quality time needn't be limited to a specific set of child-centered activities or even those big, well-planned trips. I’ve been reading NPR correspondent Michaeleen Doucleff’s book Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans and she discusses how critical it is in most cultures for children and adults to participate in activities together that benefit the family as a whole. She explains,

“Humans likely evolved for children to learn by shadowing adults; it’s been the way they’ve been learning for at least two hundred thousand years.”

— Michaeleen Doucleff, PhD

Mocha under the lemon tree

As a child I never thought it was odd that these were special occasions and now, looking back through the lens of child development and the evolution of family life throughout history, my experience makes a lot of sense… the satisfaction of real work, the presence of family, being outdoors, being at home, the flexibility of being able to (as an introvert) engage then disengage as necessary–or to connect while keeping my hands busy. 

My grandma and I would reminisce about these times well into her 90s and she too remembered them with great fondness. I inherited some of her gardening tools when she passed away and I think of her every time I use them. 

Do you have any regular traditions like this with your kiddos? If so, I’d love to hear about them!

“Kids are wired for this type of cooperation. It’s one of the traits that makes us human. It makes us feel good to work together and help the people who love us.”

— Michaeleen Doucleff, PhD

If not, do you have any ideas about what could be your special family work tradition? When would you want to do it? How would you create the structure for it to become a routine? Who might be there to participate? What add ons could make it special (like a specific meal or a TV show everyone likes to watch)? 

Music Class Won’t Make Your Life Easier… but RIE Class Might

(2 min read) A popular music class for infants and toddlers overlaps with our parent-toddler class and I get an opportunity to overhear (and sometimes observe) what goes on in that class. While this post is not intended to disparage this class, or music classes in general (music is one of my great loves), I’ve observed some crucial differences in the way parents and children participate in the music class versus in a RIE-inspired class. Participating in a music class is one more thing to do. Parents and carers chase children around, they lift and wiggle babies’ bodies, recorded music is sometimes played at a volume I find to be overstimulating (and I’m an adult, sitting inside a building, quite a distance away). Many babies look stunned, confused, or skeptical. There aren’t many opportunities for parents to chat with one another, let alone dive into deep discussions. Nobody seems to be particularly relaxed. Honestly, it sounds kind of exhausting. 

In this type of class there is no space for the child’s agenda, for the child to decide what they’ll do or what they’re interested in on a given day. They’re along for the ride. Very few classes that I’ve ever attended with infants or toddlers (be it pre-pandemic in-person story time, toddler gymnastics, or something similar) have been conducted at a slow-enough pace to align well with the pace of a young child or demonstrated a developmentally-appropriate awareness of the number and frequency of transitions in their class rhythm. 

Photo by Kevin Gent on Unsplash

In a RIE-inspired class, you choose a floor chair where your body will be well-supported and you sit down. Sure, if your kiddo is mobile you may choose to spot them as they explore the Pikler triangle or approach another child’s face but I–as the facilitator–am also there to offer support, spotting, and selective intervention in those instances. Parents and carers of pre-mobile kiddos may get up to change a diaper or feed a child at their seat but aside from that they get the opportunity to slow down, in community, to the pace of an infant.

Families have an opportunity to experience an hour of calm, acceptance, support, validation, and slowness, where forced sharing, “being nice,” and other developmentally inappropriate (but extremely common and well-intentioned) expectations are left at the door.  

Photo by Yan Krukov from Pexels

While the classes can be meaningful and transformational on their own, their value is that they are a microcosm of Magda Gerber’s approach to respectful caregiving. Her approach emphasizes: 

• Slowing down 

• Observation and awareness of the strengths and capabilities of young children 

• Balancing the needs of parents/carers and children 

• Trusting that infants and toddlers have their own ideas and can be fully responsible for their own play 

• That it is our responsibility to attune to and communicate with children but it is not our responsibility to “fix” their feelings (learning our roles and our children’s roles) 

• A culture of support, gentle curiosity, and flexibility (Magda was known to respond frequently to questions with the phrase, “It depends”) 

• And so much more

I hear variations of the same theme over and over from different families:

““I honestly don’t know what I would do without this approach.” ”

These families find the experience of caring for children to be manageable, balanced, and enjoyable because there is a framework from which to operate. This approach requires an investment, as do all relationships and almost anything worthwhile but I think you’ll discover that the investment will be worth your while as it plays out in your relationship with your child. 

These classes provide a place where you can your child can simply *be,* where you and your child will be welcomed wholeheartedly, where you can share and investigate your experiences, questions, and stories in a gentle, kind, and supportive community of folks who are also learning about and practicing respectful caregiving… oh yeah, and it might also make your life a little easier. 

Note: While I am a RIE® Intern and in the final phase of my professional development with RIE®, the classes I offer are “RIE-Inspired” (not RIE® Certified Parent-Infant Guidance classes) because I have not yet completed my training. My classes closely resemble certified classes in their rhythm and physical environment.

The Making of a Confident Puzzler

“There is dignity in struggle. It gives the soul muscle.”

— Magda Gerber

Is your child curious about puzzles? Have they been inspired by watching older siblings working on multi-piece puzzles? Or maybe they’ve discovered them on their own? Puzzles provide an opportunity to hone an array of important skills like patience, persistence, planning, attention to detail, memory, and problem solving–in addition to fine motor skills and hand-eye coordination. They are also a wonderful (and usually quiet-ish) activity for children to enjoy independently once they gain confidence, experience, and reach a certain stage of development. It can be tricky to know how to support kiddos as they learn this new skill so I thought I would break it down into steps and provide some tips from many years of sitting alongside young children as they discover the joy (and magnificent challenge!) of a great puzzle.

Things to remember: 

• Wait until your child is interested and motivated 

• Acknowledge that all kiddos have different interests and while you can provide materials for children to explore, it’s not up to you to decide what they’ll be interested in or how they’ll play with it

• Children will vary on how much direct support they need based on a host of factors including their frustration tolerance, mood, etc. (A very patient, independent puzzler)  

• Acknowledge the challenge, “This is really tricky, huh?” 

• Let them stop if they get frustrated or want to move onto something else (nothing feels more like work than something “fun” you’re forced to do)

• It can be *so hard* to step back and allow the child to connect all the pieces themself (not only because it’s easy for us and/or hard to see them struggle but also because we often don’t prioritize play for ourselves and we use our child’s play as an opportunity to meet that need) BUT there is so much value in observing attentively, sportscasting, and scaffolding the skills kiddos will need to meet challenges throughout their lives 

• If they have older siblings and are around puzzles with more pieces than you think they can handle, I like to let them try them (if they ask and if I’m feeling up for it). Yes, it will involve them dumping out 48 pieces (or more) but I prefer to let the experience inform rather than telling them “No, you’re not ready for that.” If they ask again after this I will say, “Oh it looks like this puzzle is for kids who are 5 or older, I think it may have too many pieces, remember yesterday when you dumped out that puzzle and it had too many?” 

• Remember, if they’re used to you intervening a lot (or doing it for them) they may protest with a change of events and plead with you to do it for them. This doesn’t mean you need to, though!

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Progression of puzzles: 

• Start with shape sorters or super simple single shape puzzles before gradually increasing the number of pieces 

• For beginners I prefer puzzles with many different unique elements, images, and colors rather than one single image with limited colors (the simpler the color palette, the trickier, generally)

  • Shape sorters (for infants)

  • Matching & Stacking Blocks 

  • Basic shape puzzle 

  • Two piece puzzle (*usually called “beginner puzzles”) 

  • Three piece puzzles* (or this) *see above photos of different ways to present the puzzle, based on the child’s experience level, left to right shows a progression of difficulty

  • Three to six piece puzzles* 

  • Four to twelve piece puzzles

  • Twenty four piece puzzles

  • Thirty six piece puzzles 

  • … and so on

Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

Steps: 

• Find a plain backdrop like carpet or a plain (not patterned) sheet 

• Help them lay out the pieces face up (if they’re very new to a puzzle with more pieces than they can handle all at once I like to separate out some pieces so it isn’t as visually overstimulating; I’ll often discreetly slide them back into the mix if I can tell a child is looking for one) 

• Lay out the box so they can see what the puzzle will look like once completed and talk about what you notice

• Ask them to pick an element to start (“Oh that firetruck has such a long hose, should we start there?) (Also, they may not want to do it in the order you would, e.g. border first… trust their process!)

• Help them notice colors/patterns/shapes

• If they’re stuck on a specific piece help them notice, “Hmm, looks like this piece will have red and yellow” or ask, “Have you tried flipping it?” 

• A smile or “You found that piece!” is all that’s needed to let kiddos know we’re paying attention and see what they’re doing

…and finally they completed it! 

Instead of responding with a simple and not very descriptive “Good job!” (Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job" by Alfie Kohn) we can match their enthusiasm and recognize their efforts and reflect on their excitement or pride… “You did it! You put all of the pieces together! That took a long time but you really stuck with it!”  The ultimate goal is for children to feel empowered to take on challenges with confidence and acknowledge and applaud their own efforts, instead of relying on external praise.

Have you had any questions about how to support your kiddos with their puzzling efforts? If I haven’t answered them here, please post them in the comments below!

“ A puzzle challenges the player to get from a problem to a solution.”

— Ernest Adams

Resources:

https://illinoisearlylearning.org/blogs/growing/puzzle-play/

What Jigsaw Puzzles Tell Us About Child Development

Book Review: Time-Out for Parents: A Guide to Compassionate Parenting by Cheri Huber & Melinda Guyol, MFT

I am so grateful that Cheri Huber shares her wisdom with us. She has written two of my top five favorite books that I return to again and again (There is Nothing Wrong With You and Making a Change for Good: A Guide to Compassionate Self-Discipline). She has this miraculous ability to convey complex and truly revolutionary ideas in a way that’s totally accessible (the large [handwritten?] font and illustrations in her books also help keep the text and content from becoming intimidating).

This book, Time-Out for Parents: A Guide to Compassionate Parenting, that she co-authored with Melinda Guyol, MFT, so closely aligns with what I know to be true about caring for children in a way that is attuned, brain-based, compassionate, and intentional. And the more I dig deep into the mechanics of how we care well, I keep coming back to the practice of self-regulation.

Dr. Stuart Shanker explains the value of self-regulation in his book Self-Reg,

“Self-Reg starts with how well we can identify and reduce our own stressors and how well we can stay calm and attentive when we’re interacting with a child… The better you can keep yourself calmly focused and engaged with your child, the more likely he will learn whatever it is that you want him to learn, as well as think through the consequences of his action, deal with his emotions, persevere in a task, and cope with frustration.

This doesn’t require a personality makeover or even willpower on your part. The more you practice regulating yourself to a calm, composed state, the better you’ll feel instantly and the more competent you’ll come to feel as a parent.”

Time-Out for Parents is a quick read and breaks down reparenting (ourselves), self-compassion, acceptance, the process for pausing and attuning to our own needs, and awareness of the stories we tell ourselves. She encourages us to find small, realistic, and manageable ways to take “time-outs” for ourselves (see p. 92 for “How to Take a Mini-Vacation Any Time You Want One”). 

“The reason for the difference between what we want for our children and how they actually develop is that they learn more from what we DO and how we ARE than from what we SAY. They learn from what we model and we model what we learned as children.”

— Cheri Huber & Melinda Guyol, MFT

I love how the book largely focuses on practicing self-regulation as parents/carers with a wee bit of co-regulation added at the end (because adult self-regulation forms the foundation of a well-regulated relationship system, as you can see in the wonderful infographic below).

Stages of Regulatory Support for Families. Shared with permission from psychotherapist Sheena Hill.

“Once you have found ways to be with your feelings in an accepting way, and once you have found ways of truly being with your child, the next step is learning how to be with your child’s feelings. ”

— Cheri Huber & Melinda Guyol, MFT

Because, really, if we can’t effectively and consistently regulate ourselves (as adults with fully developed prefrontal cortices) then how on earth can we expect children to do it?

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Book available at Powell’s and Keep it Simple

Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life by Dr. Stuart Shanker, with Teresa Barker

Gone Rogue: The Radical Editing of Children's Books

Photo by Picsea on Unsplash

As time goes by and I become clearer and more intentional about the language I use when speaking with young children, I often encounter passages in children’s books that don’t quite align with the messages I’m striving to communicate. Particularly if you’re fond of older children’s literature (but nonetheless still very present in modern books) you may often encounter examples of racist, sexist, and ableist stereotypes, outdated and culturally insensitive references, unnecessary name calling or teasing, and the blatant, if perhaps well meaning, minimization of children’s emotions and experiences. What’s a thoughtful caregiver to do?

When we recognize that the literature may possess other value (an intriguing plot, delightful illustrations, a certain je ne sai quoi that draws children, perhaps inexplicably) but we find issue with certain passages, we can employ the practice of radical editing. This was first modeled to me by my fellow educators at a local preschool where I once worked. As a person who rarely--by choice--flies by the seat of my pants, I was impressed by their ability to make mindful and creative corrections on the spot which were congruent with the respectful approach we were all striving for.

Radical editing can be done in the moment, or by inscribing new words on the page itself-- infusing the books with more thoughtful and prosocial language. The benefit of the latter is that (aside from having time to consider how you’d prefer the passage to read) all of the adults reading to the child(ren) will be communicating a unified message. A good rule of thumb: if you wouldn’t say it to your child, don’t read it aloud. While we recognize that we can’t insulate children from the realities of the world (e.g. prejudice, stereotypes and discrimination or insensitive and unkind communication styles), we can ensure that the messages children hear coming from our mouths align with our values.

As children age and their brains mature, they become better equipped to hold multiple perspectives--to understand that other people do things differently and say things differently than what they’re accustomed to in their family. They can more readily reconcile the discrepancies between what’s being read to them and what we, their parents and caregivers, actually believe. Ideally they will have had enough validation at this point--years of respectful, reciprocal communication to serve as a solid foundation for examining literary interactions which may trigger a red flag within them. With time they will come to understand the way authors sometimes use disconcerting words (that may come across as teasing, shaming, or invalidation) intentionally* in order to communicate a point, build a character, complete a rhyme and/or stir emotions within a reader.

[*Although I cannot always give the author the benefit of the doubt that they are indeed being intentional with their use of such language. More often than not I presume it is outside of their awareness. Cheri Huber, a prolific author and (highly accessible) teacher of Zen Buddhism explains:

“The process of self-hate is so much a part of the average person that we don’t even recognize it… If you want to know what you were conditioned to believe as a child, look at the self-criticism that goes through your head now… ‘That was a dumb thing to do. Won’t I ever learn? I shouldn’t feel like this. I should know better.’

Does that mean someone consciously, deliberately treated you that way? Perhaps not. But you got the message anyway, didn’t you?”

-Cheri Huber, There is Nothing Wrong with You]

However, until children are old enough to make these distinctions, I imagine it can be quite confusing and unsettling for them to hear such words come out of our mouths, even if they can sense that they aren’t being directed towards them.

Every time you sit with a child and read a book, remember that it is an opportunity--a valuable, relationship-affirming opportunity--for connection, for learning and to nourish curiosity, wonder, imagination and the joy of the written word. You are not only helping lay the foundation for language and literacy development as well as social-emotional intelligence but, through the words you read to your child, you are communicating the kind of world your child can expect to find outside the walls of your home and what kind of people inhabit that world. It’s up to you. Your words matter.

Sidenote: The only value I see in reading these books as they are (to older children) is that they can serve as natural and important springboards into conversations about complicated topics within the relaxed environment of your home.

Resources:

Guide for Selecting Anti-Bias Children’s Books by Louise Derman-Sparks https://socialjusticebooks.org/guide-for-selecting-anti-bias-childrens-books/

Book Review: Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings by Dr. Laura Markham

“There’s no way around it. Sibling rivalry is universal. After all, every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive, and your children depend on and compete for what are, in fact, precious resources–your time and attention… But there’s good news, too. The sibling relationship is where the rough edges of our early self-centeredness are smoothed off, and where we learn to manage our most difficult emotions. Siblings often become good friends, and because they know each other so well, they can provide each other a deep sense of comfort. ”

— Dr. Laura Markham

This book is chock-full of specific strategies, detailed examples, and scripts to support a more harmonious sibling relationship. It provides thoughtful, research-based rationale as to why common discipline strategies like time outs and punishment (and rewards) aren’t effective in the long run, and why the general (and widely accepted) concept of “misbehavior” by conscious choice is inherently flawed. I love Dr. Markham’s emphasis on preventive maintenance, especially the practice of daily, one-on-one, child-directed special time or, as Magda Gerber called it, “wants-nothing quality time.”

“You might think of (preventive maintenance) as refilling your child’s love tank and giving them an emotional tune-up on a daily basis, so you don’t end up in the breakdown lane. In life with more than one child, disconnection inevitably happens, and if you don’t have connection practices built into your life, that disconnection creates problems before you know it. So once you have more than one child, preventive maintenance with each of them is critical… Sure, that takes work, but parenting is work either way, and this investment in positive prevention creates a more peaceful home, closer relationships, and more cooperative kids.”

Here are just a few of the topics covered:

• How to support multiple kiddos with big feelings simultaneously (one of the hardest things to do) 

• The ins and outs of emotion coaching

• 10 reasons children bicker and how to resolve them 

• How to intervene in a verbal or physical argument 

• Squabbles over toys (and what to do about them) & self-regulated turns 

• Understanding the roots of competitive feelings 

• The value of family agreements and family meetings

I especially appreciate the entire third section of the book, “Before the New Baby and Through the First Year.” This nearly 100-page section provides SO many wonderful, practical ideas to support the sibling relationship starting in pregnancy. 

I’m still not sure how I feel about a few of her suggestions, like trying to facilitate a “scheduled meltdown” which feels inauthentic and her frequent recommendation to try and get your child laughing when they’re upset. There is certainly a significant place for laughter and fun connection rituals but this is a delicate, nuanced approach and, in my opinion, risks glossing over those less-preferred “negative” emotions. If children aren’t able to practice sitting with (and organically moving through) those feelings with a supportive adult, what will happen later when we’re not around to make them laugh?  Also, many of her examples are heteronormative and many of her scripts surprisingly include “don’t worry” (which I like to avoid in most of my relationships, regardless of how much I would *like* to say it). 

Overall, this is a wonderful resource for families with more than one child who are interested in investing the time, energy, and patience necessary to create a strong bond between siblings. The practice children receive in their sibling relationship(s) will ripple outwards as they grow, as they’ll develop a solid framework for how to be in relationships where they’re able to communicate respectfully, listen empathically to another’s perspective, and advocate for their own wants and needs. The way you intervene in arguments will model whether your child will grow up to be intimidated, overwhelmed, or afraid of differences of opinion OR whether they’ll be able to see inherent value in conflict and understand that it is an unavoidable and important piece of human relationships. 

“I’m giving you explicit permission to prioritize your children, and their relationship with each other. There will be some days when you simply can’t get to the dishes, the laundry, the emails. The only way to keep your children from bashing each other will be to sit on the floor with them to prevent the fights, to coach them to express their needs without attacking, and to find ways to transform tension into closeness with laughter or with tears. This is heroic work, especially because it’s so private–no one is there to see what it costs you. But it’s not as invisible as it seems. Just as a tree’s rings record environmental conditions year by year, your children’s experience now is creating the people they’re growing into. Every day, you are literally shaping who your children will be for the rest of their lives.
”

— Dr. Laura Markham

Limitations, Values & Priorities

(5 minute read) It has taken me many years to become aware of my own limitations. I have railed against their existence for most of my life, willing them not to be real (the railing has yet to cease). The concept of limitations actually only came on my radar as something relevant to my life fairly recently when my therapist matter-of-factly and without hesitation introduced it to me. Of course I knew of the concept but my own limitations were not considered on a regular basis (now I find the word swirling about in my head quite often). 

Limitations are incredibly real but we like to act like they don’t–or shouldn’t–apply to us. If you begin to talk about your own limitations to those closest to you, you might notice some pushback. People really don’t like the word. It makes them uncomfortable. They may try to tiptoe around the concept or find more agreeable synonyms. They may prefer to highlight what you can do or all that you’ve managed to accomplish or juggle before. But

I think it is important for us to learn to use the word–regularly, unapologetically, and without shame.

Its use creates a mental and practical framework that holds space for that which we cannot do. Its use aids us in creating a life that is balanced, enjoyable, and sustainable.

In an era where it seems that possibilities are endless and options are abundant, we’re bombarded by choices, information, and stimulation at every turn. The myth of the American dream assures all of us that we can achieve vast success and prosperity (if we just work long and hard enough).

If we’re told we can do anything, it's not much of a stretch to make the leap that we can or should be doing everything.

We may be afraid of what might happen if we let things go. We may even *want* to try to “do it all” (I put want in asterisks because I don’t believe that any of us truly want to be in constant motion or feel responsible for holding the world on its axis, even if that’s the way we have been operating).  We might want to be in control (or maintain the illusion of control) but we also begrudgingly acknowledge that this is how burnout sprouts and flourishes. 

The antidote to burnout is acknowledging and leaning into our limitations.

If the overall concept of limitations is too broad or vague, it may be helpful to break it down into categories. Joshua Fields Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus, of The Minimalists, have listed the five main resources we access on a daily basis. They are: 

1. Skills

2. Time 

3. Energy

4. Attention 

5. Money 

None of us can argue that we enjoy limitless resources in every one of these categories, therefore we have limitations. Now that we’ve all acknowledged our limitations (bravo!), the next step is to reflect on our values. If you’re stumped in determining what your values are, I’m a big fan of the values card sort (see Resources below). With some thoughtful consideration we will be able to distill the driving forces of our life (or what we aspire those forces to be even if we’re still figuring out how to get there) into a list of our primary values. I like to keep my list visible so I can peek at it while I’m getting dressed or brushing my teeth. Referring back to it regularly keeps me on course in my day-to-day life–the choices I make, the interactions I have, the way I schedule my days. It makes sense to revisit your values regularly, ensuring that they still feel relevant and amending as necessary. Once we’re clear on our values, the final step is to align our priorities with our values while keeping our (limited) resources in mind. (I’ve also been curious about the idea of writing “to-don’t” lists.) 

I was poking around in the beautiful, color-coded spreadsheet my sister so delightfully crafted to manage our time together (and with extended family) during my upcoming holiday visit. I spent too long trying to plan out the whole trip, descending into a spiral of overwhelm when I decided to take a moment to ponder my own priorities this holiday season. What a simple yet challenging practice to bring intention to the season. 

My priorities, in no particular order (most of them apply throughout the year actually): 

• ease & spaciousness, plenty of “non-productive” rest time

• quality time with the people I love, offering them the gifts of attention and attunement (with sad irony the word “attainment” was suggested by this website instead of “attunement,” I added the latter to the dictionary)

• reasonable amount of commitments, spaced generously

• practicing single-tasking 

• keeping the impulse towards consumerism in check

• taking solo time when I need it

• moving my body, maintaining my meditation practice, sleeping enough

• sunshine & plenty of time outside 

• creative time (cooking/baking/sewing)

• break from business work 

So how does this all relate to caregiving? 

Conscious caregiving is not possible without ongoing awareness of our own needs, preferences, and limitations. 

Conscious caregiving is not possible with a hazy sense of our values and priorities. 

Every decision you make with the children in your life is a reflection of your values in one way or another. Sometimes your needs will conflict with your child’s needs (or wants)--and by sometimes I mean that this will probably happen on a daily (hourly, minute-to-minute) basis. This is when you summon your mental flexibility and check in with yourself and determine whether you can flex to meet your child’s need (or want) at the moment, whether you should attend to yourself first (oxygen mask), or whether you can think up a creative solution.  

A note on expectations… we all enter into the holiday season with plenty of expectations. We have expectations for how others will behave (including our children) and expectations for how experiences will unfold. We may even have expectations for how we’ll feel. These expectations grow out of our own experiences (beginning in childhood and throughout the lifespan), our resulting associations with the season, our family/friends/community, and what we consume on social media. As always, mindful awareness is the first step in managing expectations. 

• We notice our thoughts and the sensations in our bodies when reality replaces fantasy 

• We allow whatever emotions are coming up

• We calm ourselves with our breath, with soothing touch or words, with mindful movement, with a cup of tea

• We courageously re-engage with the situation, communicating, setting boundaries, and/or advocating for ourselves and/or our children

““I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I.””

— Fritz Perls, psychotherapist

This season, lean into your limitations and fiercely protect your time, energy, and attention–don’t burn out before you can get to that which lights you up. Let me know how it goes!

Take good care,

Laurel 

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““We think rest matters not because it makes you more productive, but because it makes you happier and healthier, less grumpy, and more creative. We think rest matters because you matter. You are not here to be “productive.” You are here to be you, to engage with your Something Larger, to move through the world with confidence and joy. And to do that, you require rest.””

— Emily and Amelia Nagoski, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle

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Resources

• Brown, Brene - Unlocking Us podcast “Burnout and How to Complete the Stress Cycle” 

  with Emily Nagoski & Amelia Nagoski https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-emily-and-amelia-nagoski-on-burnout-and-how-to-complete-the-stress-cycle/ 

• The Minimalists - Your Five Most Precious Resources https://www.theminimalists.com/steam/ 

• Neff, Kristin - Supportive Touch https://self-compassion.org/exercise-4-supportive-touch/ 

• Online values card sort  https://sakai.ohsu.edu/access/content/group/Kathlynn_Tutorials/public/Value%20Card%20Sort%20Exercise%20-%20Storyline%20output/story_html5.html 

• Printable values card sort https://motivationalinterviewing.org/sites/default/files/valuescardsort_0.pdf

• Teacher Tom - Teaching Values http://teachertomsblog.blogspot.com/2019/12/teaching-values.html

9 Ways to Support Your Child's Development When You're Out in the Community (Part 3)

7. Set limits with snacking

I recognize that there are many different approaches to feeding children but constant snacking, or “grazing,” and being allowed to run and play while eating (both at home and especially out in the community) can prevent kids from fully engaging with either their environment or the experience of eating. Children crave limits about food, even—or especially—if their behavior says otherwise. If they trust that you will offer diverse, nutritionally balanced (protein + fat + carbohydrate), and filling snacks at regularly scheduled intervals they can relax about food. They eat if they’re hungry, don’t if they’re not and then... move on. Snack and mealtimes can become more challenging when we’re out and about (especially when we’re without access to the clear structure of a table and chair) but young children are quite capable—with consistent expectations—of sitting down to enjoy their food and the company of their parent or caregiver. Bringing along small wooden, plastic or stainless steel plates or bowls, utensils and cloth napkins can add welcome structure and ceremony to snacks enjoyed outside while giving the whole affair the air of a picnic—both special and civilized.

There are many benefits that come with setting limits with grazing and implementing structured snack times. First, children who are hungry without becoming ravenous are more willing to try new foods and eat more at meals than the child who is never able to build an appetite throughout the day. Second, by expecting children to sit while they eat (and sitting with them) we are allowing children opportunities to practice appropriate mealtime behavior while simultaneously modeling it ourselves. Third, we’re promoting mindful eating, a practice that offers a host of benefits by tapping into young children’s intuition about their bodies’ cues for hunger and fullness.

Ellyn Satter, a registered dietician and renowned authority on the subject of child nutrition who pioneered the concept of division of responsibility in feeding, explains,

“I realize that even for some adults not being able to eat on demand—to graze constantly for food—seems like cruel and inhuman punishment. It’s not—it’s merely making it possible for your child to be successful with eating. Keep in mind the importance and role of the planned snack... Don’t let her run around the house to eat: it’s dangerous, it’s grazing instead of having a planned snack, and it makes a mess. Sit down with her to keep her company.”

-Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense

8. Know when it’s time to leave

This one is tricky because it usually involves making a unilateral decision that can feel uncomfortable for many parents and caregivers, especially those committed to a gentle, respectful parenting style characterized by lots of communication and jointly-made decisions. It can be difficult to know whether a child is simply discharging some of the big feelings that come with early childhood (or simply being a human for that matter) like disappointment or frustration or whether they’ve crossed over into a place of being too tired, too overwhelmed, and too overstimulated from which they will likely not return until they’ve had some quiet time at home to regroup (which may involve a meal, a nap, or snuggles and books with someone they love). This is not the time to negotiate with your child, to ask if they need to leave or if they’re ready to leave… let their enduring emotional state and their behavior tell you when they’re ready to leave.

Your child may not always (or ever) be able to tell you in words that they’re ready to go, particularly when they’re having a tough time. Overstimulation and overwhelm in young children can look like a lot of different things: inconsolable crying, repeated toy taking, hitting or pushing other children, throwing toys, or bodies seemingly in hyperdrive (look for wild eyes unable to focus). In these moments our role is to make the executive decision that it’s time to go home and gently help our children to leave, acknowledging any disappointment or frustration they may experience as a result. Sometimes we’ve met up with friends or other families and this can make it even more difficult to cut a playdate short. In these moments we can acknowledge our own disappointment or frustration as we make the decision to support our child’s well-being by leaving. Leaving should also never be portrayed as a punishment (“If you don’t stop crying we’re going to leave!”) but can be a logical consequence of a child repeating an unsafe or inappropriate behavior after we’ve set a limit with them. Children need our calm support and unconditional positive regard… all of the time but particularly when they’re dysregulated, overwhelmed and unsure of what they need to feel better.

Or, better yet, whenever possible… leave before things get bad. Leaving before the mood shifts and all of the fun has been exhausted may still provoke resistance and disappointment from a child who is having fun but it has the potential to make the journey home a bit more manageable and pleasant.

Assembling a self-care kit with items that will bring you comfort when you’re away from home is one easy way to care for yourself when you’re out and about caring for young children. Here are some of the things I try to have with me at all times: water & a snack, hand sanitizer, immune support remedies, Bach’s Rescue Remedy, calming essential oils, eye drops, lip balm, tissues, bandages, cough drops, ginger chews, lotion/salve, gum, tea… and always a book just in case.

9. Take care of yourself

Your needs matter too! Before leaving the house check in with yourself and see if the planned outing is something you feel emotionally prepared for and would like to take on for the day. I would wager that the majority of the time children benefit more from the calm presence of a parent than from any outing we can envision. Sometimes a quiet morning at home can be exactly what everyone needs with the added benefit of no rushing necessary.

Sometimes that self care involves getting out of the house. If it does, think about the ways in which can you take care of yourself. Will you listen to peaceful music on the way there, bring a small vial of calming essential oils, pack a special treat for yourself or meet up with a friend? Will you head straight for the outdoor play area at the Children’s Museum because you know your kids are more successful outside? The effects of whatever you do to take care of yourself will inevitably spill over to your children. A calm and grounded parent or caregiver who has taken care of their own needs first will always be most able to support their child’s development.

As Magda Gerber explains in her book Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect,

“It helps to be strongly attuned to your own inner rhythm—to know what your needs are, and to convey this to your family so they learn to respect your needs, too.”

I would love to hear how you support your kiddos (and yourself) when you’re out and about!

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Gerber, M. (2002). Dear parent: Caring for infants with respect. Los Angeles, CA: Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE).

Satter, E. (2000). Child of mine: Feeding with love and good sense. Boulder, CO: Bull Pub.

For additional information:

Helping Toddlers Succeed (at the Park, Playdates, Outings, and Other Social Situations) by Janet Lansbury