Mapping Out the Holiday Season

I sat down this morning to look through a spreadsheet my sister made a few years ago called “Holidaze,” a little tongue-in-cheek nod to the frenzied stupor that the holiday season has the power to evoke in all of us if we don’t carefully acknowledge our limited resources. This spreadsheet is the way we (my sister, mom and I) plan and coordinate my holiday visit back home. We’ve added a new tab each year. There’s a calendar with essential dates and plans filled in, a section where we each write our priorities for the holiday season, and a spot to write out things to do. I also added a tab where I’ve listed my favorite holiday traditions–in Oregon, in Arizona, and anywhere traditions (like crafting, baking cookies, or making tamales). This year I added an image of two mice curled up in an armchair reading a book next to a twinkling tree to remind myself of the general vibe I’m aiming for this season: cozy, relaxed, connected.

Source unknown

Sitting down to consider my own priorities and discussing the priorities of those I love is incredibly helpful in structuring and executing a mutually satisfying season. In the past I’ve avoided planning–thinking it would be easier to wait and see or figure it out last minute. This almost never works–especially when trying to consider the schedules, needs, and wants of multiple people.

Maybe spreadsheets aren’t for you, maybe your holiday season won’t involve travel or too much coordination–regardless, sitting down with a mug of something cozy and taking a bit of time to consider your own needs and wants while also considering those of your loved ones will make for a more aligned and intentional season. Speaking about a simple holiday season, Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting, reminds us, “It could be easy on the wallet and easy on the nerves. It's possible, it really is.”

Photo by S&B Vonlanthen on Unsplash

You’ll see my process listed out below but I’d love to hear what’s worked for you and your family.

Step 1: Clarify your values (I like using a personal values card sort)

Step 2: List out everything you’re interested in doing/everything that feels important to you this season

Step 3: Check in with yourself–your needs and your capacity (Mara Glatzel’s work is always my go-to for this)

In a broad sense, what has your energy/motivation been like recently (over the past few months) and more specifically, what is your energy/motivation like today or this week?

Step 4: Ruthlessly edit your list of possibilities while coordinating with your calendar and making space for those most important events or traditions

Step 5: Take it day by day, week by week

Step 6: Regularly make time to reflect and reevaluate (writing notes might help you remember what you’ve learned about yourself and your family for next year)

Let me know how it goes!

“The harder you struggle to fit everything in, the more of your time you’ll find yourself spending on the least meaningful things… The reason for this effect is straightforward: the more firmly you believe it ought to be possible to find time for everything, the less pressure you’ll feel to ask whether any given activity is the best use for a portion of your time. Whenever you encounter some potential new item for your to-do list or your social calendar, you’ll be strongly biased in favor of accepting it, because you’ll assume you needn’t sacrifice any other tasks or opportunities in order to make space for it … If you never stop to ask yourself if the sacrifice is worth it, your days will automatically begin to fill not just with more things, but with more trivial or tedious things, because they’ve never had to clear the hurdle of being judged more important than something else. ”

— Oliver Burkeman, Four Thousand Weeks

Resources:

The Holiday Season: Putting the Genie Back in the Bottle by Kim John Payne

A Jolly Toddler Holiday – 3 Ways To Enrich The Experience by Janet Lansbury 

Needy (podcast and book) by Mara Glatzel 

No Moving Target December by Hands Free Mama

Reclaim the Holidays for You Dr. Becky Kennedy with guest Priya Parker  

Santa on the Brain by Kelly Lambert

Supporting Tots to Teens During Holiday Stress and Excitement Dr. Aliza Pressman with guest Claire Lerner, LMSW

Unplug the Christmas Machine: A Complete Guide to Putting Love and Joy Back into the Season by Jo Robinson and Jean Staeheli

How to Talk About Your Child

“The same words or actions that hurt our feelings and make us feel disrespected feel the same way to children. Dignity is not something we acquire when we become adults. All of us are born with human dignity. The same words or actions that take away our dignity also take away children’s dignity.”

— Pam Leo, Connection Parenting

(5 min. read) Have you ever had the experience of sitting in a dentist’s chair where your dentist and the hygienist are talking about your teeth or your dental history but not with you–they’re using words you don’t understand and you’re starting to get a little concerned that their inscrutable faces and the way they keep poking around in your mouth and throwing out words like occlusal this and anterior that might mean you have a cavity (or worse, a root canal?!)? Even if you can’t fully comprehend the details of their conversation, you’re tuned in to their body language, their facial expressions, and their tone. You’re feeling ill at ease (at best), vulnerable, confused, frustrated, wary, self-conscious, or maybe some combination of these. You might interrupt–once they’ve removed their fingers from your mouth–and inquire about what’s going on, “Do I need a root canal?” Remembering an experience like this might give you a bit of a sense for what it feels like to be a young child and know that adults are talking about you. Feels pretty icky, doesn’t it? 

Every parent and caregiver will have occasions where they need to speak about their child (or the child they’re caring for) in the child’s presence. Whenever possible, we strive to speak about children–their development, behaviors, and interactions as well as the ways we perceive, relate to, and make meaning of these things–when they’re well out of earshot (the next room doesn’t count!). In the early years, children’s capacity for receptive language (understanding what’s being said) often outshines their expressive language (using words or signs to communicate), which means that they’re paying greater attention and understanding more than we think.

They might not yet have the words to let you know they’re feeling uncomfortable when they hear you talking about them so this might present as interrupting, demanding attention, or finding another (equally frustrating) way to communicate their increasing dysregulation. 

Needing to speak about a child in their presence can come up during drop off or pick up with a caregiver, at home with your co-parent or another member of your parenting team, at the pediatrician, or during a parent-child class. I’ve had the joy of witnessing the families in my classes go about this with incredible thoughtfulness and respect. Not only are my classes designed to prioritize children’s play and exploration, they also provide a safe container for parents to discuss the peaks and valleys of caring for young children, so it’s inevitable (and welcome!) that parents will speak about their children. 

“Respect is the basis of the RIE® philosophy. We not only respect babies, we demonstrate our respect every time we interact with them. Respecting a child means treating even the youngest infant as a unique human being, not an object. Nobody knows when exactly an infant begins to understand language. But infants do begin to pay attention to the world around them slowly and gradually from birth.”

— Magda Gerber

Here are a few suggestions to treat your child with dignity in those moments when you don’t have another option than speaking about them in their presence. 

• Let them know you’re going to talk about them. “Talia, I’m going to talk about your sleep/our daycare drop offs/mealtimes/(fill in the blank).” 

• Include them, if possible, as you speak. Make eye contact and turn towards them, showing them that they’re part of the conversation.  

  • “You’ve been waking up many times at night recently and it’s been hard for you to fall back asleep. I’m going to tell your auntie about it.” 

  • “Drop offs at daycare this week have been kind of tricky, haven’t they? You’ve been feeling upset when I hand you to (your caregiver). (Your caregiver) and I are going to talk about what we can do to help you feel a little more comfortable.”

  • “I’ve been getting frustrated during mealtimes, haven’t I? You’ve been putting your food on the floor and not seeming hungry but start asking for food just as soon as I put it away. I’m going to talk to the group about it.” 

• **As I wrote these examples I realized that I was employing the recommendation of one of my mentors, Dr. Lawrence Cohen, to, “Be honest about your emotions with the volume turned down.” Children are not equipped to hear the full intensity of our emotional experiences. Save those full-on vent sessions for after your child is asleep, at tea with a friend, on the phone with your listening partner, or during a 1:1 support session.   

• **In talking about a child in their presence I would not say, “Felix has been freaking out when I leave him at daycare!” I prefer using words like “tricky” (I use tricky a LOT) to discuss challenges. “Tricky” conveys that their behavior is not the end of the world (while still acknowledging the challenge) and assures kiddos that we can tolerate their big emotions. 

• **From the other end of this interaction (as a facilitator), I acknowledge the child as part of the conversation by addressing them in addition to their parent. [Looking between child and parent and showing concern–but not despair–in my face: “That does sound pretty tricky, huh?” or “Some weeks are like that, aren’t they?”]. 

• If you forget to prep them, as soon as you notice they’re aware that you’re talking about them (they might look at you or around the room) you can let them know, “Yeah I’m talking about ______.” 

• If they start to become agitated you can decide whether you need to continue the conversation or whether you can wrap it up. You can acknowledge, “You don’t like that I’m talking about you right now, huh?” or “I wonder if you’re feeling a little uncomfortable that I’m talking about ______?”

• Avoid labels. In Your Self-Confident Baby, Magda Gerber and Allison Johnson remind us, “Try not to use labels, either positive or negative, when talking to or about your child, as in saying, ‘Rebecca is short-tempered,’ ‘Josh is shy,’ ‘Susan, you’re grouchy in the morning,’ or even ‘Dani is an early walker’ or ‘Kim, you’re such a good talker.’ I feel labels are disrespectful because they are judgements about a child’s character. They can also become self-fulfilling prophecies.”

• Ask yourself, “Does this conversation need to happen right now?” Many times it does, but sometimes it doesn’t.

I remember observing a class that RIE® Associate (then RIE® Intern) Vicki Smolke was facilitating at Bellevue College in Washington where the adults would use the children’s clothing (you can also use a child’s first initial) as a way to identify a child if they were going to speak about them. For example, “I noticed the way yellow pants tried once to pull that ball away from green shirt but green shirt held on. Did you see that too?” If the children were looking to me (as the facilitator) or to their parents to acknowledge what had happened I would sportscast the interaction but if they had moved on I might use this strategy to draw the parents’ attention to the exchange for further discussion. This strategy is an option for those moments we might not want to interrupt children’s play but feel compelled to discuss an interaction.   

Next time you feel the urge to talk about your child in their presence, check in with yourself. If there’s no better option–especially if there’s no other way you can share what’s going on for you as a parent and receive support–rest assured that at least there’s a way it can be done respectfully.  

Resources: 

Is Your Baby A Bully? Smart? Shy? Why We Should Lose Labels by Janet Lansbury 

Talking About Your Children in Front of Them May Affect Their Self-Esteem, Experts Say

Talking in Front of Children

Image Credit: Anna Shvets via Pexels

Tapping Into Unconditional Positive Regard for Only $0.29

(2 min read) One of the families I used to work for had a framed photo of one of their children prominently displayed in the window above their kitchen sink. Not just any photo, but a photo of their child sleeping as a young toddler. Snuggly in a sleep sack, curled onto their belly, their tiny mouth relaxed… soooo innocent and peaceful. I always loved that photo. 

As time passed I realized that this wasn’t just a sweet photo that made me happy. It had magic powers! 

Each time I looked at it (which was many, many times per day) I was reminded of how young and small this child used to be. I was also reminded of how young and small they still were regardless of how well they were able to negotiate or how grown up they seemed in comparison. 

I think that displaying such a photo allows us to tap into those feelings of unconditional positive regard that are absolutely essential for all the times that children will test us. Unconditional positive regard is a concept popularized by humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers in the 1950s. It can be defined as: 

an attitude of caring, acceptance, and prizing that others express toward an individual irrespective of his or her behavior (emphasis added)... Unconditional positive regard is considered conducive to the individual’s self-awareness, self-worth, and personality growth; it is, according to Carl Rogers, a universal human need essential to healthy development.

Unconditional positive regard is a crucial stance for the all-out tantrums and the times they’ll holler “I hate you.” For the times they shove their sibling (who happens to be standing on the stairs) or draw on the walls or throw a dinosaur at your head. For the times they’ll push us to our absolute limit of patience. For the times we have to really dig deep because it’s our job as the adults to stay calm and regulated and remember that children aren’t “giving us a hard time, they’re having a hard time.” 

“Children need to be loved as they are, and for who they are. When that happens, they can accept themselves as fundamentally good people, even when they screw up or fall short… Unconditional love, in short, is what children require in order to flourish.”

— Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting

And whatever we need to do in order to remember this sweetness, this innocence, this developmental immaturity will only serve us in being the kind of parents and caregivers we want to be–patient, empathic, generous, curious, benevolent, understanding, and optimistic. 

So get thee to the drugstore and print out a photo of your kiddo in a sweet sleepy moment and put it up somewhere in your home where you can see it every day. Let it be a reminder of your child as a perfectly imperfect, still-developing, still-learning human who is, at their core, good and always worthy of love. And maybe, while you’re at it, print out a photo of yourself as a young child to remind yourself that you too are all of those same things.

Your Superpower for the First Year of Parenthood... and Beyond!

Praveen Kumar Mathivanan via Unsplash

(4 min read) Have you ever wished there was a way to prepare yourself for the inevitable disequilibrium of caring for an infant? A way to shore up your own well-being so that you can remain within your own window of tolerance (calm, focused, and able to cope) and therefore be better equipped to show up for your child? A way to support the development of secure attachment in your child? A way to nurture your child’s ability to one day skillfully manage their own emotions and function with greater independence? 

Well you’re in luck because there is and it’s called regulation! It has two components: self-regulation and co-regulation.

Giulia Bertelli via Unsplash

WHAT IS SELF-REGULATION? 

According to Dr. Stuart Shanker, author of Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life, self-regulation is, “The ability to stay calmly focused and alert.” As adults, it also involves how we soothe ourselves, manage stress and transitions, and our capacity to be able to wait for things we really want (i.e. delayed gratification). Self-regulation is the magic behind our ability to thoughtfully respond with intention as opposed to reacting impulsively when big feelings or unexpected events come up (e.g. when someone cuts you off on the highway or your toddler takes a swing at the baby). 

Adults’ capacity for self-regulation varies due to a variety of factors including temperament, environment, and how sensitive our nervous systems are to stimulation (which is impacted by disability, stress, trauma, and other factors). However, we can influence our baseline self-regulation through a variety of practices, including mindfulness and conscious breathing, by becoming aware of our sensory triggers and modifying our environment or adding in supports, and through co-regulation with empathic adults, to name a few. 

Adult self-regulation is woefully overlooked in much of the popular parenting discourse. There is a focus on infants needing to learn how to self-soothe and children learning how to self-regulate. Using rewards and punishments when children aren’t able to live up to adult expectations is still the norm. Adults often worry that supporting and helping soothe a child who is dysregulated is “rewarding” unwanted behavior. However, many folks tend to gloss over the major role adults  play when it comes to kiddos’ regulatory capacity. 

While we’re discussing adults’ capacity I want to note that there is no state of “perfect” regulation to be achieved. The process of learning how to regulate ourselves is a lifelong journey–one that requires experimentation, trial and error, patience, recalibration, tuning in to ourselves, and always, always self-compassion. 

Isaac Quesada via Unsplash

WHAT IS CO-REGULATION? 

The other side of the coin is co-regulation that involves attuned, supportive interactions between adult and child. Dr. Shanker reminds us, “It is only by being regulated that a child develops the ability to self-regulate.” And this process of being regulated is called co-regulation. Co-regulation is an ongoing conversation that involves observing, listening to, and communicating with your child. Sometimes you might utilize soothing techniques (e.g. holding, singing, getting fresh air) to help activate your child’s calming responses. 

Just as I mentioned the factors that influence adults’ ability to self-regulate, these same factors impact infants. Additionally, whether a child is born preterm, their age and developmental stage all influence the amount of support (via co-regulation) a child will need. It’s also important to note that our need for co-regulation never ceases–it may wax and wane but our need for compassionate connection in moments of distress (or excitement!) remains throughout the life course. 

Co-regulation is complex and nuanced–it requires us to draw upon internal resources we might not know we have–and can feel especially tricky if we’re trying to parent in a way that’s different from the way we were responded to as children.

As Zen teacher Cheri Huber and Melinda Guyol, MFT, point out in their incredible resource, Time-Out for Parents: A Guide to Compassionate Parenting,

“You must take care of the child inside your adult self before you’re able to take care of the child you are raising. Of course we don’t have the luxury of putting on hold parenting our external children while we learn to parent our internal children. We must parent both simultaneously. This is another opportunity to model how you want your child to be as an adult: taking care of yourself as you take care of others.”

What a beautiful reframe of a challenge confronted by many, many parents!  

Toa Heftiba via Unsplash

A CO-REGULATION RESOURCE

One of my favorite in-the-moment resources for co-regulation is the CALMS Approach developed by Debby Takikawa, DC and Carrie Contey, PhD. The acronym reminds us to: 

Check in With Yourself

Allow a Breath

Listen to Your Baby

Make Contact and Mirror Feelings 

Soothe Your Baby 

This simple yet powerful process distills down the essence of co-regulation into a concrete, approachable, and grounding tool you can turn to in moments of distress. This framework beautifully blends mindful awareness and self-regulation with observation and communication in order to develop attunement and secure attachment by supporting infants in feeling safe, supported, and understood. 

Holding space for an infant who needs to cry is one of the most difficult aspects of caregiving. It can be incredibly dysregulating to listen to crying. We can feel frustrated, confused, overwhelmed, ineffectual; it can be hard to know when we need to step in to assist and when we’ve done everything we can. It can bring up discomfort from our own childhoods.

Infant specialist Magda Gerber, co-founder of RIE®, gently reminds us, “Our goal should not be to stop the crying, but to understand what the cry means… Allowing a child to cry requires more knowledge, time, and energy than just picking up a child and patting her.” Gerber is not saying that we ignore infants, however she is asking us to be aware of our own impulses to intervene when our child cries without attempting to make sense of what’s going on for them. 

There is so much more to discuss about these topics and I would love to be able to support you with feeling more prepared for the social-emotional aspects of caring for an infant. If you’re curious about learning more about (parental) self-regulation and co-regulation during your child’s first year I’ll be hosting a workshop at Andaluz Waterbirth Center on April 29th, 2023. It’s open to expectant parents and those with infants up to 12 months of age. You can enroll here. Spots are limited. 

Saturday Afternoon Yardwork: Chore or Treasured Family Tradition?

Photo by OPPO Find X5 Pro on Unsplash

(2 min read) I came in dusty and parched from picking up rotten, fallen apples in the backyard and felt such a strong nostalgia for a Saturday childhood tradition. My grandma and aunt would come over and we (my mom, sister and I) would do yard work together until dusk. We’d be completely tuckered out so we’d grab takeout and sit down together and watch Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. On special occasions my grandma might spend the night. These are some of my fondest childhood memories. So many of the people I loved all gathered together, spending time chatting, pulling weeds, pruning, raking leaves. Eventually I decided to leave my own mark on the garden and dug multiple deep holes in the impossible desert caliche soil before gingerly lowering bare root roses. My grandma loved those roses and my mom still reminisces about all of my hard work to plant them (they’re still there, 20 years later, well established and heartier than ever). 

“Every time we include a child in an adult task–we are telling that child that they are part of something bigger than themselves. They are a part of a ‘we.’ And they are connected to the other members of the family. What they do helps or hurts others.”

— Michaeleen Doucleff, PhD

Rose garden circa 2002

When I look back on this tradition, it strikes me as odd that this is what I remember. Hard physical labor? What some might define as “chores?” But it really reinforces that quality time needn't be limited to a specific set of child-centered activities or even those big, well-planned trips. I’ve been reading NPR correspondent Michaeleen Doucleff’s book Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans and she discusses how critical it is in most cultures for children and adults to participate in activities together that benefit the family as a whole. She explains,

“Humans likely evolved for children to learn by shadowing adults; it’s been the way they’ve been learning for at least two hundred thousand years.”

— Michaeleen Doucleff, PhD

Mocha under the lemon tree

As a child I never thought it was odd that these were special occasions and now, looking back through the lens of child development and the evolution of family life throughout history, my experience makes a lot of sense… the satisfaction of real work, the presence of family, being outdoors, being at home, the flexibility of being able to (as an introvert) engage then disengage as necessary–or to connect while keeping my hands busy. 

My grandma and I would reminisce about these times well into her 90s and she too remembered them with great fondness. I inherited some of her gardening tools when she passed away and I think of her every time I use them. 

Do you have any regular traditions like this with your kiddos? If so, I’d love to hear about them!

“Kids are wired for this type of cooperation. It’s one of the traits that makes us human. It makes us feel good to work together and help the people who love us.”

— Michaeleen Doucleff, PhD

If not, do you have any ideas about what could be your special family work tradition? When would you want to do it? How would you create the structure for it to become a routine? Who might be there to participate? What add ons could make it special (like a specific meal or a TV show everyone likes to watch)?