4. Step back and observe
“Observe more, do less. Do less, enjoy more.”
-Magda Gerber
There’s a reason that one of the eight RIE® Basic Principles involves sensitive observation. The more skilled we become at observing our children the better we’re able to understand and communicate with them. It can be so easy, especially when we’re out and about, to decide how or with what our child should play, experiment or investigate. We see all of the teachable moments and so very badly want to share them. However, when we practice noticing our own impulses to orchestrate our children’s experience what we’re really doing is rolling the ball of “basic trust” (another of the RIE® Basic Principles) back into our child’s court. Every time we do this we’re affirming our belief that children are born with the ability and, more importantly, the drive to learn, to practice, to experiment and to explore the world around them. Breathing, physically stepping back, or holding our hands behind our back can be helpful when the impulse to step in (our own anxiety) is strong.
Once I was attending an event for toddlers that culminated in a small product (unfortunately not process) oriented art project. The children were instructed to use doilies and colorful construction paper cut outs to create a snowman. One caregiver, stooped and hovering over her child, was doing all of the gluing and arranging herself. She asked the child, “Where do you want the scarf to go?” After the caregiver applied glue on the scarf for the child, the child placed the scarf on the snowman’s abdomen to which the caregiver promptly corrected, “That’s the body,” before moving the scarf up to the snowman’s neck. It became very clear that the project was not for the child at all. The adult’s actions communicated that doing it “right” was more important than the child having an opportunity to explore the materials, think creatively or to experience the feelings of efficacy that come from creating something all on their own. Toddlers usually have very little wrapped up in doing things “the right way” (unless they’ve learned it from us) so let’s do our best to table our agendas and our perfectionism and let them explore in their own way and at their own pace. What a wonderful gift!
Getting out of the way is a tough challenge, isn’t it? We want to help, fix, and guide our kids. But we have to remind ourselves that if we let children figure things out for themselves, we are communicating a powerful message—“I think you are competent and wise.” When we allow them to finish their own arts and crafts projects, we are saying, “I think you are creative.” When we let them build blocks to their own precise specifications, we are communicating, “I think you are capable.”
-Kenneth R. Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP
A Parent’s Guide to Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Your Child Roots and Wings
5. Prioritize physical activity by fostering autonomy in movement
Placing infants and toddlers in positions or onto play equipment (play structures, slides, swings) they can’t climb independently gives them a distorted sense of confidence as to their abilities and no real knowledge of how to safely descend. Supporting autonomy of movement is central to Magda Gerber’s Educaring approach… it’s how children develop strength, coordination, balance and grace. They’re able to practice problem solving, focused attention and a sense of their bodies in the world as they learn by moving their own bodies day after day. I’m always astounded by how many children arrive at the park in a stroller or car and immediately indicate that they want to be placed in a swing. With the exception of an older child who can climb into a swing and pump their legs without assistance, infants, toddlers and many preschoolers are completely passive in a swing. They experience no opportunities to explore real life textures like grass, mud, or puddles of water; no chances to discover sticks, colorful leaves or insects; no opportunities to practice balance, coordination and develop core strength while crawling, cruising, walking, climbing or running. James Sallis, program director of the Active Living Research Program for the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation explains, “Based on previous studies, we can definitely say that the best predictor of preschool children’s activity is simply being outdoors and that an indoor, sedentary childhood is linked to mental health problems” (as cited in Louv, 2006).
Children are driven to use their bodies to explore the world—to express their curiosity through physical activity. Let’s do everything in our power to preserve and protect this drive by allowing children autonomy in gross motor movement. Both urban parks and natural playscapes can serve as a wonderful, accessible foundation for active, healthy children.
Particularly in the 12 to 24 month period, movement is so central to the active toddler’s sense of well-being that enforced immobility, cramped spaces, or simply being indoors too long can set off irritability, restlessness, and finally temper tantrums. This is the child’s way of indicating that the urge to move and explore needs to find an avenue for discharge.
-Alicia Lieberman, Ph.D. The Emotional Life of the Toddler
6. Establish a home base
This may seem inconsequential but the simple act of spreading out a blanket at the park or indicating to your child where you will sit while they play provides reassurance and supports your child’s exploration. Not knowing where you are can cause your child to seek proximity more often or prevent your child from relaxing into their exploration, particularly for children who are more cautious about separating. Of course your level of supervision will always depend on your child, their developmental level and the environment. If your child is very young (but quickly mobile) or regularly leaves spaces without checking in with you you’ll need to adjust your proximity accordingly. Even from a distance a glance and a smile go a long way in letting your child know that, while you may be physically apart, you see them and you’re there for them.
Ginsburg, K. R., & Jablow, M. M. (2015). Building resilience in children and teens: Giving kids roots and wings. Elk Grove Village, IL: American Academy of Pediatrics.
Lieberman, A. F. (2018). The emotional life of the toddler. New York: Simon & Schuster.
Louv, R. (2006). Last child in the woods. North Carolina, USA: Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill.