Photo by Alex Strandlien
I wish I remembered exactly when I first became curious about mindfulness and meditation. My mom began meditating when I was about ten (she jokes that she read books about meditation for twenty years before actually beginning to sit) and that no doubt influenced me–at the very least I saw this as something that people I loved and respected did and something to be prioritized.
The first mindfulness course I ever attended was as a graduate student. I’m not sure what specifically prompted me to sign up–most likely some blend of anxiety and burnout not unfamiliar to graduate students–but I enrolled in an MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) course based on the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn. The class took place at 4th Street Yoga in Berkeley, CA and that’s about the extent of what I remember. Ok, I do still have the course materials languishing on one of my bookshelves. But again, I know now I was planting seeds for the future.
Fast forward ahead a few years to the winter after I first moved to Portland. I found myself crying in the Levi’s store for no apparent reason and knew something was off. I began working with a wonderful therapist soon after and spotted an intriguing title in the waiting room of her office: There is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber. The premise of the book blew my mind:
“You have been taught that there is something wrong with you and that you are imperfect, but there isn’t and you’re not.
”
Whoa.
I’ve spent plenty of time raving about Cheri Huber to anyone who will listen and have collected a number of her books. Her writing is simple yet astonishingly profound. Her books contain plentiful hand-drawn illustrations that enhance the text immeasurably. The book of hers that impacted me the most was Making a Change for Good: A Guide to Compassionate Self-Discipline. I, like most folks, was socialized by our culture to believe that approaching myself with disappointment, disdain and disrespect when I fail to live up to my ideals is the most effective strategy for change. And then I read this paragraph:
Make a commitment to meditation or anything else, follow through, have something come up to interfere, break your commitment, and commit again! When we’re simply present to the whole process, “failure” and “lack of self-discipline” are beside the point. Letting yourself down is beside the point. Being disappointed is beside the point. Feeling discouraged is beside the point. Those reactions are designed to stop you.
Recommitting is the point.
Those four words changed my life.
[Stay tuned for Part II!]