“There’s no way around it. Sibling rivalry is universal. After all, every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive, and your children depend on and compete for what are, in fact, precious resources–your time and attention… But there’s good news, too. The sibling relationship is where the rough edges of our early self-centeredness are smoothed off, and where we learn to manage our most difficult emotions. Siblings often become good friends, and because they know each other so well, they can provide each other a deep sense of comfort. ”
This book is chock-full of specific strategies, detailed examples, and scripts to support a more harmonious sibling relationship. It provides thoughtful, research-based rationale as to why common discipline strategies like time outs and punishment (and rewards) aren’t effective in the long run, and why the general (and widely accepted) concept of “misbehavior” by conscious choice is inherently flawed. I love Dr. Markham’s emphasis on preventive maintenance, especially the practice of daily, one-on-one, child-directed special time or, as Magda Gerber called it, “wants-nothing quality time.”
“You might think of (preventive maintenance) as refilling your child’s love tank and giving them an emotional tune-up on a daily basis, so you don’t end up in the breakdown lane. In life with more than one child, disconnection inevitably happens, and if you don’t have connection practices built into your life, that disconnection creates problems before you know it. So once you have more than one child, preventive maintenance with each of them is critical… Sure, that takes work, but parenting is work either way, and this investment in positive prevention creates a more peaceful home, closer relationships, and more cooperative kids.”
Here are just a few of the topics covered:
How to support multiple kiddos with big feelings simultaneously (one of the hardest things to do)
The ins and outs of emotion coaching
10 reasons children bicker and how to resolve them
How to intervene in a verbal or physical argument
Squabbles over toys (and what to do about them) & self-regulated turns
Understanding the roots of competitive feelings
The value of family agreements and family meetings
I especially appreciate the entire third section of the book, “Before the New Baby and Through the First Year.” This nearly 100-page section provides SO many wonderful, practical ideas to support the sibling relationship starting in pregnancy.
I’m still not sure how I feel about a few of her suggestions, like trying to facilitate a “scheduled meltdown” which feels inauthentic and her frequent recommendation to try and get your child laughing when they’re upset. There is certainly a significant place for laughter and fun connection rituals but this is a delicate, nuanced approach and, in my opinion, risks glossing over those less-preferred “negative” emotions. If children aren’t able to practice sitting with (and organically moving through) those feelings with a supportive adult, what will happen later when we’re not around to make them laugh? Also, many of her examples are heteronormative and many of her scripts surprisingly include “don’t worry” (which I like to avoid in most of my relationships, regardless of how much I would *like* to say it).
Overall, this is a wonderful resource for families with more than one child who are interested in investing the time, energy, and patience necessary to create a strong bond between siblings. The practice children receive in their sibling relationship(s) will ripple outwards as they grow, as they’ll develop a solid framework for how to be in relationships where they’re able to communicate respectfully, listen empathically to another’s perspective, and advocate for their own wants and needs. The way you intervene in arguments will model whether your child will grow up to be intimidated, overwhelmed, or afraid of differences of opinion OR whether they’ll be able to see inherent value in conflict and understand that it is an unavoidable and important piece of human relationships.
“I’m giving you explicit permission to prioritize your children, and their relationship with each other. There will be some days when you simply can’t get to the dishes, the laundry, the emails. The only way to keep your children from bashing each other will be to sit on the floor with them to prevent the fights, to coach them to express their needs without attacking, and to find ways to transform tension into closeness with laughter or with tears. This is heroic work, especially because it’s so private–no one is there to see what it costs you. But it’s not as invisible as it seems. Just as a tree’s rings record environmental conditions year by year, your children’s experience now is creating the people they’re growing into. Every day, you are literally shaping who your children will be for the rest of their lives.
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