Having worked with children for the past twenty years, I’ve spent quite a lot of time out and about with them. Visiting museums, zoos, indoor play areas, natural playscapes, city parks and play structures has afforded me plentiful opportunities to observe caregivers and children. Noticing patterns and common points of struggle, I’ve come up with a few of the most important ways you can support your child (and yourself!) when you’re exploring new environments.
Let them set the pace
(or, the importance of managing our own expectations)
It’s easy for our own impatience or agenda to interfere with our children’s natural pace for exploration. We get to the zoo and we’re excited… we want to see all the animals! Our children may be mystified by an anthill on the path, by watching the train come and go, or practicing balancing on a low wall (BUT THE TIGERS!!). My mom, a therapist in private practice who works with children and families, always jokes that if you bring a toddler to the zoo, you have succeeded if you’ve seen one animal. Arriving with this expectation can help when we feel pressured to see it all (and get our money’s worth). Interrupting our child’s focused attention rarely supports their burgeoning attention skills and can often contribute to a hurried outing that leaves both us and our children frazzled, overstimulated and with no real sense of the wonder and amazement that can come with new experiences. As Loris Malaguzzi, the founder of the Reggio Emilia approach to early childhood education, once explained,
“A puddle of water can become for children an entire universe to explore.”
2. Let them stay close
How often I hear well-meaning parents encouraging their children to “go play!” It’s helpful to remember that an ever changing constellation of factors is at play (temperament, mood, energy level, level of appeal in the environment... even the weather!) when your child is deciding if and when they’re ready to “go play.” Internally normalizing their desire to stay close can be helpful if you find yourself making future projections about what it means that they’re feeling cautious (“What if they never leave my side?? Isn’t it my role to encourage them to try new things?”) and remember that your child can still derive value from an experience even if they remain in close proximity to you. They will remember your trust in their readiness and learn to moderate for themselves the interplay between careful observation (which is valuable!) and our own goal of overt engagement.
“Then there are those times at the playgroup, the park, a party, or even just at home when we might expect our child to be out playing or socializing, but our child is glued to us. Release those expectations or wishes—let clinginess be. In fact, welcome it. Don’t entertain, just let the child sit with you and watch. Coaxing, redirecting, pointing out all the wonderful toys children could be playing with only intensifies her desire to cling. ”
3. Allow them to struggle
Once, at OMSI (the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry), I observed a parent repeatedly lifting their toddler so the child was able to drop plastic balls into a funnel of swirling water. The child mechanically complied but expressed no real excitement or pride at the feat. Imagine instead if the parent had stepped back to observe and, noticing the child’s struggle, simply acknowledged the child’s frustration at not being quite tall enough to reach the lip of the funnel. Likely the child would have either kept trying, flexing their ability to creatively problem solve, or moved on to something more interesting or manageable. Either way it was a missed opportunity for this child, one that also supported an unfortunate dependence on the parent, making the parent integral to the child’s ability to explore their environment. When we trust children to be the initiators and protagonists of their own play we are able to learn more about what interests them and what developmental tasks they’re currently working on.
This also includes allowing some degree of interpersonal struggle. Adults stepping in to solve children’s problems at the slightest sign of conflict implicitly tells them that they need us to solve their problems and undermines their growing abilities to participate in the complex dance of interpersonal interactions. If you do sense a struggle arising, especially if you think it might become physical, you can get down to the children’s level and check in with them, explaining what you see and being ready to calmly block a hit or push if necessary.
… Stay tuned for parts two and three!