Gone Rogue: The Radical Editing of Children's Books

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As time goes by and I become clearer and more intentional about the language I use when speaking with young children, I often encounter passages in children’s books that don’t quite align with the messages I’m striving to communicate. Particularly if you’re fond of older children’s literature (but nonetheless still very present in modern books) you may often encounter examples of racist, sexist, and ableist stereotypes, outdated and culturally insensitive references, unnecessary name calling or teasing, and the blatant, if perhaps well meaning, minimization of children’s emotions and experiences. What’s a thoughtful caregiver to do?

When we recognize that the literature may possess other value (an intriguing plot, delightful illustrations, a certain je ne sai quoi that draws children, perhaps inexplicably) but we find issue with certain passages, we can employ the practice of radical editing. This was first modeled to me by my fellow educators at a local preschool where I once worked. As a person who rarely--by choice--flies by the seat of my pants, I was impressed by their ability to make mindful and creative corrections on the spot which were congruent with the respectful approach we were all striving for.

Radical editing can be done in the moment, or by inscribing new words on the page itself-- infusing the books with more thoughtful and prosocial language. The benefit of the latter is that (aside from having time to consider how you’d prefer the passage to read) all of the adults reading to the child(ren) will be communicating a unified message. A good rule of thumb: if you wouldn’t say it to your child, don’t read it aloud. While we recognize that we can’t insulate children from the realities of the world (e.g. prejudice, stereotypes and discrimination or insensitive and unkind communication styles), we can ensure that the messages children hear coming from our mouths align with our values.

As children age and their brains mature, they become better equipped to hold multiple perspectives--to understand that other people do things differently and say things differently than what they’re accustomed to in their family. They can more readily reconcile the discrepancies between what’s being read to them and what we, their parents and caregivers, actually believe. Ideally they will have had enough validation at this point--years of respectful, reciprocal communication to serve as a solid foundation for examining literary interactions which may trigger a red flag within them. With time they will come to understand the way authors sometimes use disconcerting words (that may come across as teasing, shaming, or invalidation) intentionally* in order to communicate a point, build a character, complete a rhyme and/or stir emotions within a reader.

[*Although I cannot always give the author the benefit of the doubt that they are indeed being intentional with their use of such language. More often than not I presume it is outside of their awareness. Cheri Huber, a prolific author and (highly accessible) teacher of Zen Buddhism explains:

“The process of self-hate is so much a part of the average person that we don’t even recognize it… If you want to know what you were conditioned to believe as a child, look at the self-criticism that goes through your head now… ‘That was a dumb thing to do. Won’t I ever learn? I shouldn’t feel like this. I should know better.’

Does that mean someone consciously, deliberately treated you that way? Perhaps not. But you got the message anyway, didn’t you?”

-Cheri Huber, There is Nothing Wrong with You]

However, until children are old enough to make these distinctions, I imagine it can be quite confusing and unsettling for them to hear such words come out of our mouths, even if they can sense that they aren’t being directed towards them.

Every time you sit with a child and read a book, remember that it is an opportunity--a valuable, relationship-affirming opportunity--for connection, for learning and to nourish curiosity, wonder, imagination and the joy of the written word. You are not only helping lay the foundation for language and literacy development as well as social-emotional intelligence but, through the words you read to your child, you are communicating the kind of world your child can expect to find outside the walls of your home and what kind of people inhabit that world. It’s up to you. Your words matter.

Sidenote: The only value I see in reading these books as they are (to older children) is that they can serve as natural and important springboards into conversations about complicated topics within the relaxed environment of your home.

Resources:

Guide for Selecting Anti-Bias Children’s Books by Louise Derman-Sparks https://socialjusticebooks.org/guide-for-selecting-anti-bias-childrens-books/

Book Review: Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings by Dr. Laura Markham

“There’s no way around it. Sibling rivalry is universal. After all, every human is genetically programmed to protect resources that will help him survive, and your children depend on and compete for what are, in fact, precious resources–your time and attention… But there’s good news, too. The sibling relationship is where the rough edges of our early self-centeredness are smoothed off, and where we learn to manage our most difficult emotions. Siblings often become good friends, and because they know each other so well, they can provide each other a deep sense of comfort. ”

— Dr. Laura Markham

This book is chock-full of specific strategies, detailed examples, and scripts to support a more harmonious sibling relationship. It provides thoughtful, research-based rationale as to why common discipline strategies like time outs and punishment (and rewards) aren’t effective in the long run, and why the general (and widely accepted) concept of “misbehavior” by conscious choice is inherently flawed. I love Dr. Markham’s emphasis on preventive maintenance, especially the practice of daily, one-on-one, child-directed special time or, as Magda Gerber called it, “wants-nothing quality time.”

“You might think of (preventive maintenance) as refilling your child’s love tank and giving them an emotional tune-up on a daily basis, so you don’t end up in the breakdown lane. In life with more than one child, disconnection inevitably happens, and if you don’t have connection practices built into your life, that disconnection creates problems before you know it. So once you have more than one child, preventive maintenance with each of them is critical… Sure, that takes work, but parenting is work either way, and this investment in positive prevention creates a more peaceful home, closer relationships, and more cooperative kids.”

Here are just a few of the topics covered:

• How to support multiple kiddos with big feelings simultaneously (one of the hardest things to do) 

• The ins and outs of emotion coaching

• 10 reasons children bicker and how to resolve them 

• How to intervene in a verbal or physical argument 

• Squabbles over toys (and what to do about them) & self-regulated turns 

• Understanding the roots of competitive feelings 

• The value of family agreements and family meetings

I especially appreciate the entire third section of the book, “Before the New Baby and Through the First Year.” This nearly 100-page section provides SO many wonderful, practical ideas to support the sibling relationship starting in pregnancy. 

I’m still not sure how I feel about a few of her suggestions, like trying to facilitate a “scheduled meltdown” which feels inauthentic and her frequent recommendation to try and get your child laughing when they’re upset. There is certainly a significant place for laughter and fun connection rituals but this is a delicate, nuanced approach and, in my opinion, risks glossing over those less-preferred “negative” emotions. If children aren’t able to practice sitting with (and organically moving through) those feelings with a supportive adult, what will happen later when we’re not around to make them laugh?  Also, many of her examples are heteronormative and many of her scripts surprisingly include “don’t worry” (which I like to avoid in most of my relationships, regardless of how much I would *like* to say it). 

Overall, this is a wonderful resource for families with more than one child who are interested in investing the time, energy, and patience necessary to create a strong bond between siblings. The practice children receive in their sibling relationship(s) will ripple outwards as they grow, as they’ll develop a solid framework for how to be in relationships where they’re able to communicate respectfully, listen empathically to another’s perspective, and advocate for their own wants and needs. The way you intervene in arguments will model whether your child will grow up to be intimidated, overwhelmed, or afraid of differences of opinion OR whether they’ll be able to see inherent value in conflict and understand that it is an unavoidable and important piece of human relationships. 

“I’m giving you explicit permission to prioritize your children, and their relationship with each other. There will be some days when you simply can’t get to the dishes, the laundry, the emails. The only way to keep your children from bashing each other will be to sit on the floor with them to prevent the fights, to coach them to express their needs without attacking, and to find ways to transform tension into closeness with laughter or with tears. This is heroic work, especially because it’s so private–no one is there to see what it costs you. But it’s not as invisible as it seems. Just as a tree’s rings record environmental conditions year by year, your children’s experience now is creating the people they’re growing into. Every day, you are literally shaping who your children will be for the rest of their lives.
”

— Dr. Laura Markham