An adult wearing a black cloth face mask holds an infant. The infant is looking away and is wearing a coat with dinosaurs on it and a hat. — Photo by Marcin Jozwiak on Unsplash

(5 min. read) I’m going to self-disclose here. I struggle with anxiety (including social anxiety) and have for most of my life. It isn’t always predictable as to when it will pop up or how intense it will be. It can be frustrating and discouraging… so often I just want to feel calm and effortlessly connected and stop the endless swirl of thoughts, worries, and planning. It often takes a good amount of self-reg to get there but I’ve worked up to the point of being able to show up in social situations and remain connected (even if I’m not feeling super relaxed about it). The value of connection is greater to me than the discomfort of anxiety.

If anxiety is something you’re working with, know that I can relate.

I probably don’t have to tell you this but anxiety in the general population has been on the rise for decades and with the pandemic reached historic highs–both for children and parents.

““During the COVID-19 pandemic, nearly one in six children aged 5–17 years had daily or weekly symptoms of anxiety or depression, a significant increase from before the COVID-pandemic (16.7% versus 14.4%).” ”

— Zablotsky, et al., 2022

According to the folks over at Georgetown University’s Health Policy Institute, “Parents and caregivers also experienced greater mental health needs. In 2020, just two-thirds of caregivers reported being in “excellent or very good” mental health, and just 6 in 10 reported coping “very well” with the demands of childrearing, both down significantly compared to 2016. On the other hand, 1 in 12 kids lived with someone with a mental illness in 2020, a 5.5 percent increase compared to 2016.” (1) [Honestly, was anyone in “excellent or very good” mental health during 2020??]

The more time I spend in these classes with families the more I’ve had time to consider the ways anxiety can manifest. A recent podcast episode with Dr. Sarah Bren and conversation with a local perinatal psychotherapist both reinforced my intuition about what’s going on with parents right now (hint: anxiety, especially social anxiety).

Here are a few of the ways anxiety can show up in a parent-child class:

Anxiety about my child’s behavior

Is my child’s behavior “normal?” Is my child’s behavior typical for their age? Are they developing differently than other children? Are they on-target for their developmental milestones?
What if other parents are judging my child?
To these first two points I will say: developmentally appropriate behavior is expected in class–crying, fussing, quibbles about toys, frustrations about sharing space, demands and tantrums from toddlers… it’s all normal and it’s all welcome here. Children are offered direct support with managing their impulses and frustrations—I make sure everyone stays safe—but all feelings are welcome, normalized, and valued (for both children and parents).
My child is exploring the Pikler triangle, climbing the ramp, or moving in a bold and experimental way… I’m worried about them!

“Generally parents have very limited access to safe, social spaces where they can truly relax about what their child is and isn’t doing (especially in regards to social learning)—I want this space to be characterized by an atmosphere of welcoming acceptance. ”

2. Anxiety about my responses to my child’s behavior (aka public parenting)

What if the other parents are judging me?
Am I doing enough? Am I doing it “right?” Am I intervening too much? Am I saying the “right” things? I’m not sure what to do…
I don’t feel like I can respond as my best self when I’m worried about others watching me

3. My own social anxiety

What if people are judging me (or my parenting choices)? What if I’m doing things differently than everyone else? What if my child’s behavior reflects poorly on my parenting?
What if my voice trembles or I blush? What if they notice that I’m anxious?
What will I say about my week? If someone asks for advice or support? What if my mind goes blank?
It can be frightening to be seen/witnessed and to be vulnerable
Fretting about something I said during class long after class is over

4. Being-together-again anxiety (my own) [specific to this moment in time emergence from COVID]

Fears of contagion (COVID, RSV, flu…): What if my child gets sick? What if I get sick? What if my child gets another child sick? Did someone cough? Sneeze?
We’re all a bit out of practice (it’s perhaps more comfortable to stay at home)

A toddler hides their face in an adult's legs. The adult is standing and wearing jeans. — Photo by ABDALLA M on Unsplash

5. Caution about being together (my child’s) [this can range from typical, developmentally appropriate caution to clinically significant anxiety that disrupts my child’s ability to participate in life]

Being in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people (may ask to leave, may want to stick close to their parent, sit on their lap, or be held)
Not having had many opportunities to play with peers due to the pandemic
What may present as a child’s anxiety may actually be them picking up on our anxious cues. Children are exquisitely attuned to our emotional state and can pick up on subtle tension, shallow/faster breathing, and other cues signaling to them that the environment isn’t safe. It’s always our job to regulate ourselves first and communicate through our tone and body language that social interactions can be safe and enjoyable!

6. Sitting still and quietly observing

This can feel like anxiety when we’re used to perpetual movement or busyness (or can allow space to feel anxiety that was there all along but covered up)
Silence can be uncomfortable!
Is there any other time throughout the week when we sit still with our child for an hour and a half? Probably not! It makes sense that it’s going to feel hard at first. Your tolerance will grow with time and patience, much as your child’s capacity for independent play grows.

A person wearing a t-shirt that says "your anxiety is lying to you!" is taking a photo of an open-air structure with an ornate roof — Photo by Jayy Torres on Unsplash

What to do?

Get some exercise in the morning before class if you’re able
Breathe! (never underestimate the value of directing our attention to the breath for a few cycles)
Try a grounding technique
Notice “the story I’m telling myself”
Take a break from class if you need to–go walk the labyrinth, grab some tea at the cafe, sit in the sanctuary, splash some cold water on your face in the bathroom
Offer yourself some kind words (“I feel uncomfortable but I can handle this. Getting support is really important for my mental health.”)

I’ve found that the parents who sign up for these classes are incredibly gentle, patient, and supportive of one another. It’s also my role as a facilitator to support the cultivation of a safe space. And usually with time comes greater comfort and ease. If you’re struggling with anxiety and want to know more about the ways I can support you in class (or have something to add to this list), send me an email!

Take good care,

Laurel