Out and About

How to Spot a Young Climber

(6 min. read) Go to any rock climbing gym and you’ll probably be required to watch a video that shows you how to “spot” a climber (usually someone who is bouldering/climbing without a rope). In order to spot someone who is climbing, you provide your undivided, laser-focused attention, stand below or near the climber with your arms raised, ready to guide them to fall in a safe way (avoiding harm to their head or spine), but not with the intention of preventing a fall, and support them with words of encouragement and the occasional technical suggestion (but only if/when the climber is asking for it).

It’s not that different for children. Of course, sometimes (if we’re able and the consequences would be high) we will catch them. But it’s not always possible or (gasp) advisable. I remember being in a toddler swim class where the instructor reminded us to allow the child to dip under water briefly if they jump in to the pool–we really want them to begin to learn about what it means to be in water and how their actions have consequences. If they magically float every time they’re in water (because we stop them from dipping under or because they wear floaties) they’re actually at much greater risk around water. The equivalent for this on land is learning how gravity works and how to fall.

Learning to fall, getting up again, and moving on is the best preparation for life.
— Magda Gerber

It’s helpful to hold in mind the goals of physical activity and exploration for children: 

  • for children to learn their limits so they can keep themselves safe (because one day we won’t be around to keep them safe)  

  • for children to practice making decisions & discovering the outcomes of their actions 

  • for children to maintain the experience of movement as being joyful, self-directed, and a way to pursue mastery 

  • for children to develop confidence, strength, balance, and coordination  

In a podcast I recently listened to about safety in the (Montessori) home, parent educator and mom, Nicole Kavanaugh voiced what she knew might be a controversial opinion. She remarked,  

“I want them to bump their heads when they’re little because it’s going to teach them where… things are and where their body is in time and space because it’s a heck of a lot easier for them to learn it then than to spend a lot of time learning it when they’re older and the consequences are a lot higher.” 

Yep. 

Before we get into the how-to of spotting a climber I want to first address a few of the reasons why climbing can be so difficult to watch.

  • It can be incredibly anxiety provoking. Our minds go down the rabbit hole of fear and fortune telling (which can easily and quickly become quite grim). If we don’t have a good handle on regulating our own anxiety or challenging our own cognitive distortions and fear stories our anxiety will impact our child’s confidence and perception of what kind of a place the world is and their ability (or lack thereof) to navigate it safely. Hovering and offering unhelpful statements (BE CAREFUL!) are ineffective strategies we use to quell our anxiety that can actually interfere with our child’s ability to keep themself safe.

Adult warnings to “be careful” are redundant at best and, at worst, become focal points for rebellion (which, in turn, can lead to truly risky behavior) or a sense that the world is full of unperceived dangers that only the all-knowing adults can see (which, in turn, can lead to the sort of unspecified anxiety we see so much of these days). Every time we say “be careful” we express, quite clearly, our lack of faith in our children’s judgment, which too often becomes the foundation of self-doubt.
— "Teacher Tom" Hobson

I vividly remember a story Dr. Lawrence Cohen tells in his book, The Opposite of Worry. He’s at the park with a friend and his 3-year-old daughter. She’s climbing and he’s fretting over her, reminding her to be careful, and wringing his hands with anxiety when his friend suggests, “She’ll recover better from a broken arm than from being timid and unsure of herself.” Wow. Of course, she didn’t break her arm that day but this story reminds us that taking time to notice exactly what we might be communicating when we hover or project our own fears onto our climbing child is an invaluable awareness that will serve us throughout our child’s life.   

  • We can set ourselves up for additional anxiety by helping our child into or onto places they can’t access through their own strength or ability. 

Avoiding the temptation to place your child into spots (slides, play structures, etc.) they can’t safely access on their own goes a long way towards keeping your child safe. Young children are realistically limited by height, strength, and capacity to be able to get themselves into very unsafe places (for the most part). There’s a reason the first step to a play structure is usually taller if it isn’t made for toddlers. This is not to say that they won’t ask, especially if they’ve become accustomed to you placing them in higher up spots! 

I remember when one of the children I used to care for was a young toddler she really wanted me to place her onto a spring rocker at the park but I wouldn’t because I didn’t think it was safe (and because it’s a crucial tenet of Magda Gerber’s Educaring® approach). I would validate her frustrations, “You really want me to put you up there, I hear that. I don’t put kids into spots they can’t reach on their own. You can try to figure out a way to get up there.” I would also remind her that someday she would be able to reach. It was tricky to wait but voila! Eventually the day came where she was able to reach and it was VERY exciting. Her wide smile and excitement—once she was able to climb up all on her own—was priceless.

  • We might not know the difference between risk and hazard

When we educate ourselves on the differences between risks and hazards (and dive into the benefits of so-called risky play, or safety play as “Teacher Tom” Hobson calls it) we can be better equipped to support our child’s exploration. 

“Play scholars and activists define a hazard as a danger in the environment that could seriously injure or endanger a child and is beyond the child’s capacity to recognize. Risk is then defined as the challenges and uncertainties within the environment that a child can recognize and learn to manage by choosing to encounter them while determining their own limits.” (“Risk, Hazard, and Play: What are Risks and Hazards?”)

We do come near so that the infant knows we are available, which brings about a certain amount of security… We would like to convey the feeling, “I think you can handle it, but if not, I am here.”
— Magda Gerber

Ok, now that we’ve unearthed some of what can come up while observing a child climbing I want to suggest a 5 step process for selective intervention

  1. Observe closely from a distance. 

  2. If the consequences of falling would be severe or you feel like your child would benefit from more support (also see below for other factors), inform the child of your intention & slowly and without great concern move closer to them (“I’m going to come a little closer in case you need any help”). Sprinting over can distract them. 

  3. You may decide to bring your hands near–but not touching–your child (behind or under their back or bottom) in order to support them if they fall.

  4. If a child appears stuck, frustrated, or overwhelmed, use words to describe what you see and acknowledge emotions; offer alternatives/ideas (“Hmmm, looks like you’re wondering how to get down the Pikler triangle. Could you step one leg down here?” and point to a lower rung). 

  5. If you’ve attempted step 4 and a child still seems frozen they may need some physical support (“I can help you. I’ll lift you down.”).

And finally, acknowledge that learning to tolerate the discomfort of allowing your child to take small, developmentally appropriate risks is a journey without a destination. You may never feel completely at ease when your child is climbing, or running at top speed, or scootering lickety-split (I certainly don’t and I’ve logged many thousands of hours caring for children and being singlehandedly responsible for their safety) and that’s okay. Many folks experience complex feelings about their kiddos growing up and becoming more independent and that’s okay too. A blissed out, lying on the beach, sipping out of a coconut type calm isn’t what we’re after in these moments. However, a growing awareness of the thoughts and stories that come up in conjunction with a broader repertoire of self-soothing skills is what we can move towards. Hip, hip, hooray for climbing!

 

[Photo note: At the beginning of this post you’ll see my mom spotting my sister on a rather steep boulder. I love these photos so much because you can see trust, patience, and a calm allowing of developmentally appropriate exploration in action.]

[Note: If you find that your anxiety is interfering with your ability to tolerate your child’s developmentally appropriate exploration it might be beneficial to seek out some additional support from a qualified mental health provider.]


6 Ways Anxiety Can Show Up in a Parent-Child Class

(5 min. read) I’m going to self-disclose here. I struggle with anxiety (including social anxiety) and have for most of my life. It isn’t always predictable as to when it will pop up or how intense it will be. It can be frustrating and discouraging… so often I just want to feel calm and effortlessly connected and stop the endless swirl of thoughts, worries, and planning. It often takes a good amount of self-reg to get there but I’ve worked up to the point of being able to show up in social situations and remain connected (even if I’m not feeling super relaxed about it). The value of connection is greater to me than the discomfort of anxiety.

If anxiety is something you’re working with, know that I can relate.

I probably don’t have to tell you this but anxiety in the general population has been on the rise for decades and with the pandemic reached historic highs–both for children and parents.

“During the COVID-19 pandemic, nearly one in six children aged 5–17 years had daily or weekly symptoms of anxiety or depression, a significant increase from before the COVID-pandemic (16.7% versus 14.4%).”
— Zablotsky, et al., 2022

According to the folks over at Georgetown University’s Health Policy Institute, “Parents and caregivers also experienced greater mental health needs. In 2020, just two-thirds of caregivers reported being in “excellent or very good” mental health, and just 6 in 10 reported coping “very well” with the demands of childrearing, both down significantly compared to 2016. On the other hand, 1 in 12 kids lived with someone with a mental illness in 2020, a 5.5 percent increase compared to 2016.” (1) [Honestly, was anyone in “excellent or very good” mental health during 2020??]

The more time I spend in these classes with families the more I’ve had time to consider the ways anxiety can manifest. A recent podcast episode with Dr. Sarah Bren and conversation with a local perinatal psychotherapist both reinforced my intuition about what’s going on with parents right now (hint: anxiety, especially social anxiety).

Here are a few of the ways anxiety can show up in a parent-child class:

  1. Anxiety about my child’s behavior

  • Is my child’s behavior “normal?” Is my child’s behavior typical for their age? Are they developing differently than other children? Are they on-target for their developmental milestones?

  • What if other parents are judging my child?

    To these first two points I will say: developmentally appropriate behavior is expected in class–crying, fussing, quibbles about toys, frustrations about sharing space, demands and tantrums from toddlers… it’s all normal and it’s all welcome here. Children are offered direct support with managing their impulses and frustrations—I make sure everyone stays safe—but all feelings are welcome, normalized, and valued (for both children and parents).

  • My child is exploring the Pikler triangle, climbing the ramp, or moving in a bold and experimental way… I’m worried about them!

Generally parents have very limited access to safe, social spaces where they can truly relax about what their child is and isn’t doing (especially in regards to social learning)—I want this space to be characterized by an atmosphere of welcoming acceptance.

2. Anxiety about my responses to my child’s behavior (aka public parenting)

  • What if the other parents are judging me?

  • Am I doing enough? Am I doing it “right?” Am I intervening too much? Am I saying the “right” things? I’m not sure what to do…

  • I don’t feel like I can respond as my best self when I’m worried about others watching me

3. My own social anxiety

  • What if people are judging me (or my parenting choices)? What if I’m doing things differently than everyone else? What if my child’s behavior reflects poorly on my parenting?

  • What if my voice trembles or I blush? What if they notice that I’m anxious?

  • What will I say about my week? If someone asks for advice or support? What if my mind goes blank?

  • It can be frightening to be seen/witnessed and to be vulnerable

  • Fretting about something I said during class long after class is over

4. Being-together-again anxiety (my own) [specific to this moment in time emergence from COVID]

  • Fears of contagion (COVID, RSV, flu…): What if my child gets sick? What if I get sick? What if my child gets another child sick? Did someone cough? Sneeze?

  • We’re all a bit out of practice (it’s perhaps more comfortable to stay at home)

A toddler hides their face in an adult's legs. The adult is standing and wearing jeans.

Photo by ABDALLA M on Unsplash

5. Caution about being together (my child’s) [this can range from typical, developmentally appropriate caution to clinically significant anxiety that disrupts my child’s ability to participate in life]

  • Being in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people (may ask to leave, may want to stick close to their parent, sit on their lap, or be held)

  • Not having had many opportunities to play with peers due to the pandemic

  • What may present as a child’s anxiety may actually be them picking up on our anxious cues. Children are exquisitely attuned to our emotional state and can pick up on subtle tension, shallow/faster breathing, and other cues signaling to them that the environment isn’t safe. It’s always our job to regulate ourselves first and communicate through our tone and body language that social interactions can be safe and enjoyable!

6. Sitting still and quietly observing

  • This can feel like anxiety when we’re used to perpetual movement or busyness (or can allow space to feel anxiety that was there all along but covered up)

  • Silence can be uncomfortable!

  • Is there any other time throughout the week when we sit still with our child for an hour and a half? Probably not! It makes sense that it’s going to feel hard at first. Your tolerance will grow with time and patience, much as your child’s capacity for independent play grows.

A person wearing a t-shirt that says "your anxiety is lying to you!" is taking a photo of an open-air structure with an ornate roof

Photo by Jayy Torres on Unsplash

What to do?

  • Get some exercise in the morning before class if you’re able

  • Breathe! (never underestimate the value of directing our attention to the breath for a few cycles)

  • Try a grounding technique

  • Notice “the story I’m telling myself”

  • Take a break from class if you need to–go walk the labyrinth, grab some tea at the cafe, sit in the sanctuary, splash some cold water on your face in the bathroom

  • Offer yourself some kind words (“I feel uncomfortable but I can handle this. Getting support is really important for my mental health.”)

I’ve found that the parents who sign up for these classes are incredibly gentle, patient, and supportive of one another. It’s also my role as a facilitator to support the cultivation of a safe space. And usually with time comes greater comfort and ease. If you’re struggling with anxiety and want to know more about the ways I can support you in class (or have something to add to this list), send me an email!

Take good care,

Laurel

 

Music Class Won’t Make Your Life Easier… but RIE Class Might

(2 min read) A popular music class for infants and toddlers overlaps with our parent-toddler class and I get an opportunity to overhear (and sometimes observe) what goes on in that class. While this post is not intended to disparage this class, or music classes in general (music is one of my great loves), I’ve observed some crucial differences in the way parents and children participate in the music class versus in a RIE-inspired class. Participating in a music class is one more thing to do. Parents and carers chase children around, they lift and wiggle babies’ bodies, recorded music is sometimes played at a volume I find to be overstimulating (and I’m an adult, sitting inside a building, quite a distance away). Many babies look stunned, confused, or skeptical. There aren’t many opportunities for parents to chat with one another, let alone dive into deep discussions. Nobody seems to be particularly relaxed. Honestly, it sounds kind of exhausting. 

In this type of class there is no space for the child’s agenda, for the child to decide what they’ll do or what they’re interested in on a given day. They’re along for the ride. Very few classes that I’ve ever attended with infants or toddlers (be it pre-pandemic in-person story time, toddler gymnastics, or something similar) have been conducted at a slow-enough pace to align well with the pace of a young child or demonstrated a developmentally-appropriate awareness of the number and frequency of transitions in their class rhythm. 

Infant on hands and knees on floor with adult sitting on floor behind, smiling

Photo by Kevin Gent on Unsplash

In a RIE-inspired class, you choose a floor chair where your body will be well-supported and you sit down. Sure, if your kiddo is mobile you may choose to spot them as they explore the Pikler triangle or approach another child’s face but I–as the facilitator–am also there to offer support, spotting, and selective intervention in those instances. Parents and carers of pre-mobile kiddos may get up to change a diaper or feed a child at their seat but aside from that they get the opportunity to slow down, in community, to the pace of an infant.

Families have an opportunity to experience an hour of calm, acceptance, support, validation, and slowness, where forced sharing, “being nice,” and other developmentally inappropriate (but extremely common and well-intentioned) expectations are left at the door.  

Photo by Yan Krukov from Pexels

While the classes can be meaningful and transformational on their own, their value is that they are a microcosm of Magda Gerber’s approach to respectful caregiving. Her approach emphasizes: 

  • Slowing down 

  • Observation and awareness of the strengths and capabilities of young children 

  • Balancing the needs of parents/carers and children 

  • Trusting that infants and toddlers have their own ideas and can be fully responsible for their own play 

  • That it is our responsibility to attune to and communicate with children but it is not our responsibility to “fix” their feelings (learning our roles and our children’s roles) 

  • A culture of support, gentle curiosity, and flexibility (Magda was known to respond frequently to questions with the phrase, “It depends”) 

  • And so much more

I hear variations of the same theme over and over from different families:

“I honestly don’t know what I would do without this approach.” 

These families find the experience of caring for children to be manageable, balanced, and enjoyable because there is a framework from which to operate. This approach requires an investment, as do all relationships and almost anything worthwhile but I think you’ll discover that the investment will be worth your while as it plays out in your relationship with your child. 

These classes provide a place where you can your child can simply *be,* where you and your child will be welcomed wholeheartedly, where you can share and investigate your experiences, questions, and stories in a gentle, kind, and supportive community of folks who are also learning about and practicing respectful caregiving… oh yeah, and it might also make your life a little easier. 

Note: While I am a RIE® Intern and in the final phase of my professional development with RIE®, the classes I offer are “RIE-Inspired” (not RIE® Certified Parent-Infant Guidance classes) because I have not yet completed my training. My classes closely resemble certified classes in their rhythm and physical environment.

9 Ways to Support Your Child's Development When You're Out in the Community (Part 3)

 
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7. Set limits with snacking

I recognize that there are many different approaches to feeding children but constant snacking, or “grazing,” and being allowed to run and play while eating (both at home and especially out in the community) can prevent kids from fully engaging with either their environment or the experience of eating. Children crave limits about food, even—or especially—if their behavior says otherwise. If they trust that you will offer diverse, nutritionally balanced (protein + fat + carbohydrate), and filling snacks at regularly scheduled intervals they can relax about food. They eat if they’re hungry, don’t if they’re not and then... move on. Snack and mealtimes can become more challenging when we’re out and about (especially when we’re without access to the clear structure of a table and chair) but young children are quite capable—with consistent expectations—of sitting down to enjoy their food and the company of their parent or caregiver. Bringing along small wooden, plastic or stainless steel plates or bowls, utensils and cloth napkins can add welcome structure and ceremony to snacks enjoyed outside while giving the whole affair the air of a picnic—both special and civilized.

There are many benefits that come with setting limits with grazing and implementing structured snack times. First, children who are hungry without becoming ravenous are more willing to try new foods and eat more at meals than the child who is never able to build an appetite throughout the day. Second, by expecting children to sit while they eat (and sitting with them) we are allowing children opportunities to practice appropriate mealtime behavior while simultaneously modeling it ourselves. Third, we’re promoting mindful eating, a practice that offers a host of benefits by tapping into young children’s intuition about their bodies’ cues for hunger and fullness.

Ellyn Satter, a registered dietician and renowned authority on the subject of child nutrition who pioneered the concept of division of responsibility in feeding, explains,

“I realize that even for some adults not being able to eat on demand—to graze constantly for food—seems like cruel and inhuman punishment. It’s not—it’s merely making it possible for your child to be successful with eating. Keep in mind the importance and role of the planned snack... Don’t let her run around the house to eat: it’s dangerous, it’s grazing instead of having a planned snack, and it makes a mess. Sit down with her to keep her company.”

-Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense

 
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8. Know when it’s time to leave

This one is tricky because it usually involves making a unilateral decision that can feel uncomfortable for many parents and caregivers, especially those committed to a gentle, respectful parenting style characterized by lots of communication and jointly-made decisions. It can be difficult to know whether a child is simply discharging some of the big feelings that come with early childhood (or simply being a human for that matter) like disappointment or frustration or whether they’ve crossed over into a place of being too tired, too overwhelmed, and too overstimulated from which they will likely not return until they’ve had some quiet time at home to regroup (which may involve a meal, a nap, or snuggles and books with someone they love). This is not the time to negotiate with your child, to ask if they need to leave or if they’re ready to leave… let their enduring emotional state and their behavior tell you when they’re ready to leave.

Your child may not always (or ever) be able to tell you in words that they’re ready to go, particularly when they’re having a tough time. Overstimulation and overwhelm in young children can look like a lot of different things: inconsolable crying, repeated toy taking, hitting or pushing other children, throwing toys, or bodies seemingly in hyperdrive (look for wild eyes unable to focus). In these moments our role is to make the executive decision that it’s time to go home and gently help our children to leave, acknowledging any disappointment or frustration they may experience as a result. Sometimes we’ve met up with friends or other families and this can make it even more difficult to cut a playdate short. In these moments we can acknowledge our own disappointment or frustration as we make the decision to support our child’s well-being by leaving. Leaving should also never be portrayed as a punishment (“If you don’t stop crying we’re going to leave!”) but can be a logical consequence of a child repeating an unsafe or inappropriate behavior after we’ve set a limit with them. Children need our calm support and unconditional positive regard… all of the time but particularly when they’re dysregulated, overwhelmed and unsure of what they need to feel better.

Or, better yet, whenever possible… leave before things get bad. Leaving before the mood shifts and all of the fun has been exhausted may still provoke resistance and disappointment from a child who is having fun but it has the potential to make the journey home a bit more manageable and pleasant.

Assembling a self-care kit with items that will bring you comfort when you’re away from home is one easy way to care for yourself when you’re out and about caring for young children. Here are some of the things I try to have with me at all times: wa…

Assembling a self-care kit with items that will bring you comfort when you’re away from home is one easy way to care for yourself when you’re out and about caring for young children. Here are some of the things I try to have with me at all times: water & a snack, hand sanitizer, immune support remedies, Bach’s Rescue Remedy, calming essential oils, eye drops, lip balm, tissues, bandages, cough drops, ginger chews, lotion/salve, gum, tea… and always a book just in case.

9. Take care of yourself

Your needs matter too! Before leaving the house check in with yourself and see if the planned outing is something you feel emotionally prepared for and would like to take on for the day. I would wager that the majority of the time children benefit more from the calm presence of a parent than from any outing we can envision. Sometimes a quiet morning at home can be exactly what everyone needs with the added benefit of no rushing necessary.

Sometimes that self care involves getting out of the house. If it does, think about the ways in which can you take care of yourself. Will you listen to peaceful music on the way there, bring a small vial of calming essential oils, pack a special treat for yourself or meet up with a friend? Will you head straight for the outdoor play area at the Children’s Museum because you know your kids are more successful outside? The effects of whatever you do to take care of yourself will inevitably spill over to your children. A calm and grounded parent or caregiver who has taken care of their own needs first will always be most able to support their child’s development.

As Magda Gerber explains in her book Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect,

“It helps to be strongly attuned to your own inner rhythm—to know what your needs are, and to convey this to your family so they learn to respect your needs, too.”

I would love to hear how you support your kiddos (and yourself) when you’re out and about!


Gerber, M. (2002). Dear parent: Caring for infants with respect. Los Angeles, CA: Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE).

Satter, E. (2000). Child of mine: Feeding with love and good sense. Boulder, CO: Bull Pub.

For additional information:

Helping Toddlers Succeed (at the Park, Playdates, Outings, and Other Social Situations) by Janet Lansbury

9 Ways to Support Your Child’s Development When You’re Out in the Community (Part 2)

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4. Step back and observe

“Observe more, do less. Do less, enjoy more.”

-Magda Gerber

There’s a reason that one of the eight RIE® Basic Principles involves sensitive observation. The more skilled we become at observing our children the better we’re able to understand and communicate with them. It can be so easy, especially when we’re out and about, to decide how or with what our child should play, experiment or investigate. We see all of the teachable moments and so very badly want to share them. However, when we practice noticing our own impulses to orchestrate our children’s experience what we’re really doing is rolling the ball of “basic trust” (another of the RIE® Basic Principles) back into our child’s court. Every time we do this we’re affirming our belief that children are born with the ability and, more importantly, the drive to learn, to practice, to experiment and to explore the world around them. Breathing, physically stepping back, or holding our hands behind our back can be helpful when the impulse to step in (our own anxiety) is strong.

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Once I was attending an event for toddlers that culminated in a small product (unfortunately not process) oriented art project. The children were instructed to use doilies and colorful construction paper cut outs to create a snowman. One caregiver, stooped and hovering over her child, was doing all of the gluing and arranging herself. She asked the child, “Where do you want the scarf to go?” After the caregiver applied glue on the scarf for the child, the child placed the scarf on the snowman’s abdomen to which the caregiver promptly corrected, “That’s the body,” before moving the scarf up to the snowman’s neck. It became very clear that the project was not for the child at all. The adult’s actions communicated that doing it “right” was more important than the child having an opportunity to explore the materials, think creatively or to experience the feelings of efficacy that come from creating something all on their own. Toddlers usually have very little wrapped up in doing things “the right way” (unless they’ve learned it from us) so let’s do our best to table our agendas and our perfectionism and let them explore in their own way and at their own pace. What a wonderful gift!

Getting out of the way is a tough challenge, isn’t it? We want to help, fix, and guide our kids. But we have to remind ourselves that if we let children figure things out for themselves, we are communicating a powerful message—“I think you are competent and wise.” When we allow them to finish their own arts and crafts projects, we are saying, “I think you are creative.” When we let them build blocks to their own precise specifications, we are communicating, “I think you are capable.”

-Kenneth R. Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP

A Parent’s Guide to Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Your Child Roots and Wings

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5. Prioritize physical activity by fostering autonomy in movement

Placing infants and toddlers in positions or onto play equipment (play structures, slides, swings) they can’t climb independently gives them a distorted sense of confidence as to their abilities and no real knowledge of how to safely descend. Supporting autonomy of movement is central to Magda Gerber’s Educaring approach… it’s how children develop strength, coordination, balance and grace. They’re able to practice problem solving, focused attention and a sense of their bodies in the world as they learn by moving their own bodies day after day. I’m always astounded by how many children arrive at the park in a stroller or car and immediately indicate that they want to be placed in a swing. With the exception of an older child who can climb into a swing and pump their legs without assistance, infants, toddlers and many preschoolers are completely passive in a swing. They experience no opportunities to explore real life textures like grass, mud, or puddles of water; no chances to discover sticks, colorful leaves or insects; no opportunities to practice balance, coordination and develop core strength while crawling, cruising, walking, climbing or running. James Sallis, program director of the Active Living Research Program for the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation explains, “Based on previous studies, we can definitely say that the best predictor of preschool children’s activity is simply being outdoors and that an indoor, sedentary childhood is linked to mental health problems” (as cited in Louv, 2006).

Children are driven to use their bodies to explore the world—to express their curiosity through physical activity. Let’s do everything in our power to preserve and protect this drive by allowing children autonomy in gross motor movement. Both urban parks and natural playscapes can serve as a wonderful, accessible foundation for active, healthy children.

Particularly in the 12 to 24 month period, movement is so central to the active toddler’s sense of well-being that enforced immobility, cramped spaces, or simply being indoors too long can set off irritability, restlessness, and finally temper tantrums. This is the child’s way of indicating that the urge to move and explore needs to find an avenue for discharge.

-Alicia Lieberman, Ph.D. The Emotional Life of the Toddler

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6. Establish a home base

This may seem inconsequential but the simple act of spreading out a blanket at the park or indicating to your child where you will sit while they play provides reassurance and supports your child’s exploration. Not knowing where you are can cause your child to seek proximity more often or prevent your child from relaxing into their exploration, particularly for children who are more cautious about separating. Of course your level of supervision will always depend on your child, their developmental level and the environment. If your child is very young (but quickly mobile) or regularly leaves spaces without checking in with you you’ll need to adjust your proximity accordingly. Even from a distance a glance and a smile go a long way in letting your child know that, while you may be physically apart, you see them and you’re there for them.

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Ginsburg, K. R., & Jablow, M. M. (2015). Building resilience in children and teens: Giving kids roots and wings. Elk Grove Village, IL: American Academy of Pediatrics.

Lieberman, A. F. (2018). The emotional life of the toddler. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Louv, R. (2006). Last child in the woods. North Carolina, USA: Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill.

9 Ways to Support Your Child’s Development When You’re Out in the Community (Part 1)

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Having worked with children for the past twenty years, I’ve spent quite a lot of time out and about with them. Visiting museums, zoos, indoor play areas, natural playscapes, city parks and play structures has afforded me plentiful opportunities to observe caregivers and children. Noticing patterns and common points of struggle, I’ve come up with a few of the most important ways you can support your child (and yourself!) when you’re exploring new environments.

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  1. Let them set the pace

    (or, the importance of managing our own expectations)

It’s easy for our own impatience or agenda to interfere with our children’s natural pace for exploration. We get to the zoo and we’re excited… we want to see all the animals! Our children may be mystified by an anthill on the path, by watching the train come and go, or practicing balancing on a low wall (BUT THE TIGERS!!). My mom, a therapist in private practice who works with children and families, always jokes that if you bring a toddler to the zoo, you have succeeded if you’ve seen one animal. Arriving with this expectation can help when we feel pressured to see it all (and get our money’s worth). Interrupting our child’s focused attention rarely supports their burgeoning attention skills and can often contribute to a hurried outing that leaves both us and our children frazzled, overstimulated and with no real sense of the wonder and amazement that can come with new experiences. As Loris Malaguzzi, the founder of the Reggio Emilia approach to early childhood education, once explained,

“A puddle of water can become for children an entire universe to explore.”

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2. Let them stay close

How often I hear well-meaning parents encouraging their children to “go play!” It’s helpful to remember that an ever changing constellation of factors is at play (temperament, mood, energy level, level of appeal in the environment... even the weather!) when your child is deciding if and when they’re ready to “go play.” Internally normalizing their desire to stay close can be helpful if you find yourself making future projections about what it means that they’re feeling cautious (“What if they never leave my side?? Isn’t it my role to encourage them to try new things?”) and remember that your child can still derive value from an experience even if they remain in close proximity to you. They will remember your trust in their readiness and learn to moderate for themselves the interplay between careful observation (which is valuable!) and our own goal of overt engagement.

Then there are those times at the playgroup, the park, a party, or even just at home when we might expect our child to be out playing or socializing, but our child is glued to us. Release those expectations or wishes—let clinginess be. In fact, welcome it. Don’t entertain, just let the child sit with you and watch. Coaxing, redirecting, pointing out all the wonderful toys children could be playing with only intensifies her desire to cling.
— Janet Lansbury, Calming Your Clingy Child

3. Allow them to struggle

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Once, at OMSI (the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry), I observed a parent repeatedly lifting their toddler so the child was able to drop plastic balls into a funnel of swirling water. The child mechanically complied but expressed no real excitement or pride at the feat. Imagine instead if the parent had stepped back to observe and, noticing the child’s struggle, simply acknowledged the child’s frustration at not being quite tall enough to reach the lip of the funnel. Likely the child would have either kept trying, flexing their ability to creatively problem solve, or moved on to something more interesting or manageable. Either way it was a missed opportunity for this child, one that also supported an unfortunate dependence on the parent, making the parent integral to the child’s ability to explore their environment. When we trust children to be the initiators and protagonists of their own play we are able to learn more about what interests them and what developmental tasks they’re currently working on.

This also includes allowing some degree of interpersonal struggle. Adults stepping in to solve children’s problems at the slightest sign of conflict implicitly tells them that they need us to solve their problems and undermines their growing abilities to participate in the complex dance of interpersonal interactions. If you do sense a struggle arising, especially if you think it might become physical, you can get down to the children’s level and check in with them, explaining what you see and being ready to calmly block a hit or push if necessary.

… Stay tuned for parts two and three!