“The same words or actions that hurt our feelings and make us feel disrespected feel the same way to children. Dignity is not something we acquire when we become adults. All of us are born with human dignity. The same words or actions that take away our dignity also take away children’s dignity.”
(5 min. read) Have you ever had the experience of sitting in a dentist’s chair where your dentist and the hygienist are talking about your teeth or your dental history but not with you–they’re using words you don’t understand and you’re starting to get a little concerned that their inscrutable faces and the way they keep poking around in your mouth and throwing out words like occlusal this and anterior that might mean you have a cavity (or worse, a root canal?!)? Even if you can’t fully comprehend the details of their conversation, you’re tuned in to their body language, their facial expressions, and their tone. You’re feeling ill at ease (at best), vulnerable, confused, frustrated, wary, self-conscious, or maybe some combination of these. You might interrupt–once they’ve removed their fingers from your mouth–and inquire about what’s going on, “Do I need a root canal?” Remembering an experience like this might give you a bit of a sense for what it feels like to be a young child and know that adults are talking about you. Feels pretty icky, doesn’t it?
Every parent and caregiver will have occasions where they need to speak about their child (or the child they’re caring for) in the child’s presence. Whenever possible, we strive to speak about children–their development, behaviors, and interactions as well as the ways we perceive, relate to, and make meaning of these things–when they’re well out of earshot (the next room doesn’t count!). In the early years, children’s capacity for receptive language (understanding what’s being said) often outshines their expressive language (using words or signs to communicate), which means that they’re paying greater attention and understanding more than we think.
They might not yet have the words to let you know they’re feeling uncomfortable when they hear you talking about them so this might present as interrupting, demanding attention, or finding another (equally frustrating) way to communicate their increasing dysregulation.
Needing to speak about a child in their presence can come up during drop off or pick up with a caregiver, at home with your co-parent or another member of your parenting team, at the pediatrician, or during a parent-child class. I’ve had the joy of witnessing the families in my classes go about this with incredible thoughtfulness and respect. Not only are my classes designed to prioritize children’s play and exploration, they also provide a safe container for parents to discuss the peaks and valleys of caring for young children, so it’s inevitable (and welcome!) that parents will speak about their children.
“Respect is the basis of the RIE® philosophy. We not only respect babies, we demonstrate our respect every time we interact with them. Respecting a child means treating even the youngest infant as a unique human being, not an object. Nobody knows when exactly an infant begins to understand language. But infants do begin to pay attention to the world around them slowly and gradually from birth.”
Here are a few suggestions to treat your child with dignity in those moments when you don’t have another option than speaking about them in their presence.
Let them know you’re going to talk about them. “Talia, I’m going to talk about your sleep/our daycare drop offs/mealtimes/(fill in the blank).”
Include them, if possible, as you speak. Make eye contact and turn towards them, showing them that they’re part of the conversation.
“You’ve been waking up many times at night recently and it’s been hard for you to fall back asleep. I’m going to tell your auntie about it.”
“Drop offs at daycare this week have been kind of tricky, haven’t they? You’ve been feeling upset when I hand you to (your caregiver). (Your caregiver) and I are going to talk about what we can do to help you feel a little more comfortable.”
“I’ve been getting frustrated during mealtimes, haven’t I? You’ve been putting your food on the floor and not seeming hungry but start asking for food just as soon as I put it away. I’m going to talk to the group about it.”
**As I wrote these examples I realized that I was employing the recommendation of one of my mentors, Dr. Lawrence Cohen, to, “Be honest about your emotions with the volume turned down.” Children are not equipped to hear the full intensity of our emotional experiences. Save those full-on vent sessions for after your child is asleep, at tea with a friend, on the phone with your listening partner, or during a 1:1 support session.
**In talking about a child in their presence I would not say, “Felix has been freaking out when I leave him at daycare!” I prefer using words like “tricky” (I use tricky a LOT) to discuss challenges. “Tricky” conveys that their behavior is not the end of the world (while still acknowledging the challenge) and assures kiddos that we can tolerate their big emotions.
**From the other end of this interaction (as a facilitator), I acknowledge the child as part of the conversation by addressing them in addition to their parent. [Looking between child and parent and showing concern–but not despair–in my face: “That does sound pretty tricky, huh?” or “Some weeks are like that, aren’t they?”].
If you forget to prep them, as soon as you notice they’re aware that you’re talking about them (they might look at you or around the room) you can let them know, “Yeah I’m talking about ______.”
If they start to become agitated you can decide whether you need to continue the conversation or whether you can wrap it up. You can acknowledge, “You don’t like that I’m talking about you right now, huh?” or “I wonder if you’re feeling a little uncomfortable that I’m talking about ______?”
Avoid labels. In Your Self-Confident Baby, Magda Gerber and Allison Johnson remind us, “Try not to use labels, either positive or negative, when talking to or about your child, as in saying, ‘Rebecca is short-tempered,’ ‘Josh is shy,’ ‘Susan, you’re grouchy in the morning,’ or even ‘Dani is an early walker’ or ‘Kim, you’re such a good talker.’ I feel labels are disrespectful because they are judgements about a child’s character. They can also become self-fulfilling prophecies.”
Ask yourself, “Does this conversation need to happen right now?” Many times it does, but sometimes it doesn’t.
I remember observing a class that RIE® Associate (then RIE® Intern) Vicki Smolke was facilitating at Bellevue College in Washington where the adults would use the children’s clothing (you can also use a child’s first initial) as a way to identify a child if they were going to speak about them. For example, “I noticed the way yellow pants tried once to pull that ball away from green shirt but green shirt held on. Did you see that too?” If the children were looking to me (as the facilitator) or to their parents to acknowledge what had happened I would sportscast the interaction but if they had moved on I might use this strategy to draw the parents’ attention to the exchange for further discussion. This strategy is an option for those moments we might not want to interrupt children’s play but feel compelled to discuss an interaction.
Next time you feel the urge to talk about your child in their presence, check in with yourself. If there’s no better option–especially if there’s no other way you can share what’s going on for you as a parent and receive support–rest assured that at least there’s a way it can be done respectfully.
Resources:
Is Your Baby A Bully? Smart? Shy? Why We Should Lose Labels by Janet Lansbury
Talking About Your Children in Front of Them May Affect Their Self-Esteem, Experts Say
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